Saturday, 28 March 2009


i realize the last thing i should be concerned about right now is my love life but i suppose its whats keeping me distracted from the devastation of my father's health.

i adore luke. seriously honesty sincerely. he is everything a woman could ask for. but my friend "J" im just going to use his real name because this whole anonymous thing is sort of ridiculous anyway. and no one reads my blog anyway.

"J" stands for joon. he doesnt have an english name its his korean name. its funny because i normally never date korean guys. i usually date caucasian guys. to be honest i dont really find many korean or asian guys very attractive and im just being blunt. maybe its fucked up but thats just my personal preference. but anyway im getting sidetracked.

joon and luke are both korean. in fact so is jonathan. but of course im dating korean guys im in korea for god's sake.

so jonathan is so out of the picture, although he calls and texts non-stop. i just ignore him. we are over. O-V-E-R. i dont want anything to do with him. perhaps it is cold of me to just cut him out. and i know some people can be friends with ex's but thats just not my style. once someone is out of my life, theyre out. there are just too many great people out there to meet to linger with ones that arent up to par. i guess im harsh but hey life's tough and you gotta suck it up and move on.

so...getting back to luke and joon.

luke is my boyfriend. it is official. but we arent intimate. he is very religious. i am too but not nearly as much as he is. i highly doubt he believes in pre-marital sex. but then again im not 100% sure. i have no idea if he is a virgin but i wouldnt be surprised if he was. he is a very attractive yet slighty geeky guy, so it really is a mystery to me whether he's had sex or not. i am not a virgin. im not sure if that would bother him, but i doubt it would. i havent had a lot of partners but i have been with people. one thing i know is that in order for our relationship to get serious and last long we need to abstain from sex for a long period of time. and i dont know if i have the discipline for that.

moving on to joon. i have known joon for about a year now. and when i first met him he was in a serious and loving relationship. and i totally respected that. but at the same time when i first laid eyes on him i thought he was adorable and if he was single i would have flirted with him. but joon has broken up with his ex-girlfriend for some time now and claims to not have feelings for her any longer. but im not too sure about that. because that was his first love. i remember my first love and although i would NEVER consider getting back with him you never forget your first love.

ok ill finally get to the fucking point. as much as i appreciate him as a homie, i am sexually attracted to joon. but i really like my boyfriend luke. luke is my rock. but i need to have sex. but i cant have sex with my boyfriend because we're religious and i dont want to compromise our relationship because thats more important than fucking.

i really like joon as my friend. and as more than a friend as well. i find joon incredibly attractive. i am a bit boy crazy and i admit that. i wish i was the "good girl" type but that just isnt me. although im not a "good girl" im not a one-night stand girl either. i need a connection. and trust and respect. and intimacy to enjoy sex. so what the hell do i do? i dont want my friendship with joon to change. and i dont even know for certain if joon even wants to sleep with me.

i need to get my physical frustrations and emotions out because i just have so much on my mind. and i know the sex would be mind-blowing. basically i NEED to have sex and i need to NOW. but i just dont have anyone to have it with. i care too much about joon as a friend and luke as a long-term serious boyfriend. so what do i do? someone rescue me PLEASE...

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