I Fucked Up

It's been two days since our one month anniversary. He bought me the white calf skin Miu Miu tote that I wanted to use for summer.

And what do I do? On the night before our anniversary I call up an old friend or oppa (which means older brother or guy in korean) and he came over. We talked all night over Pear Absolut and tonics (yum). We both got tipsy and even the oppa was like "I wasn't sure if it was right to come over or not, youre in a happy relationship." (We had hooked up twice before in the past before I met my boyfriend) I was like it's fine nothing will happen. He lied down to rest his eyes for a bit and I layed next to him.

I started bringing up my kinky aggressive sex life, what I liked, etc. Of course he got turned on and I totally seduced him. The sex was amazing perhaps because it was so wrong. The eerie thing is the oppa kept asking me "What if your boyfriend just shows up?" I assured him that he never does that. He always calls before he comes over and its not like he has a key or anything. Well what do you know? Literally five minutes after we were done having sex my phone rings and it's my boyfriend calling to take me out to lunch for our anniversary. He told me he'd arrive in 15 minutes. The oppa scrambled out of my apartment and I quickly cleaned up the evidence. I was still super drunk at 11:30 am and I needed to come up with an excuse as to why I was drunk.

So I told my boyfriend that I drank with a girlfriend at my house because I was stressed about family issues. Which is true. I even cried when we got home from lunch. The tears were out of guilt. But I told him the concerns I had about my family instead of the truth about what had just happened. How can I be so deceitful? I am an evil fucked up person. I don't know why I did it. It's out of insecurity and the fear that one day he may leave me. It's like I want to beat him to the punch before he can ever hurt me. I guess my past has come back to haunt me. Fuck all my ex-boyfriends. This is all their fault.

He's getting me a ring its not exactly an engagement ring but it sort of kind of is. A thin white gold and diamond eternity band next month when he gets his next paycheck. He spends all his money on me. And calls every time he has a spare moment. He's attentive and loving as ever. I felt super guilty and called my sister and balled my eyes out to her. She scolded me and told me just to make sure that it never happens again. But the strange thing is I've kind of pushed it aside now and I'm ok with myself. I don't feel horrible. Am I a monster?