Altruistic Fashion

Engagement Ring

2010-07-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

i love love love my ring. its classic and beautiful. 2.5 karats with 3/4 karats surrounding it. im in love.

I got tagged

2010-07-30T13:05:00.000-07:00

i got tagged by effi from fashion factor. so here goes...

1. why did you decide to have a blog?

this is a fashion, beauty, personal thoughts blog that i use sort of as a diary for fun.

2. Is there any particular fashion designer you like?

There are just so many but if I have to choose a couple it would be Phoebe Philo, Alber Elbaz, and Tom Ford.

3. How much money do you spend on fashion?

Too much...i would estimate thousands of dollars every month.

4. Who inspires you?

No one in particular but Carine Roitfeld and Anna Della Russo have excellent style.

5. Which 3 things would you take on a lonely island?

water, sunscreen, and lots of organic fruits and veggies (boring answer i know)

6. Describe your look with 3 words.

tough, casual, original

7. What do you do on a Sunday morning?

run errands, im always busy busy busy!

8. Your favority color?

black, or anything neon especially green or yellow

9. Whats your favorite fashion trend?

short shorts, they go with everything heels or flip flops

10. Who's your fashion icon?

Marilyn Monroe, she was so glamorous and sexy yet vulnerable.

11. Where have you always wanted to live?

Manhattan or Paris

12. What's your favorite shop?

my favority place to shop is prada because they always have something that i want.

13. What's your favority movie?

Closer with Natalie Portman, Jude Law, Julia Roberts, and Clive Owens. Its such a realistic portrayal of relationships.

14. 3 things you can't live without.

My lambskin prada purse, margiela boots, and long white shirt that i wear as a dress with everything.

My First Foray into the Creme de la Mer brand

2010-07-29T11:47:00.000-07:00

I ran out of the origins eye cream that i've been using and i actually was sort of dissatisfied with it. it seems lacking in getting rid of my dark circles (not that theyre that bad) and i dont have wrinkles yet but im terrified of getting them so i decided to the creme de la creme (no pun intended) of eye creams La Mer. it cost a pretty penny $220. thats about a $60 mark up if i had bought it in the US but hey a girls gotta get the best of the best. i estimate i'll finish using it by the time i go to california in september and if i like it im going to buy 2 jars. i love the metal tip applicator that way none of it gets absorbed into my fingers like other creams that you have to apply with your fingers. the next beauty purchase is going to be the creme de la mer it self, tonic, but i dont think its necessary to buy La Mer cleanser. i use shu uemura cleansing oil which takes off all my make up including 15 layers of mascara lol. i also want to buy armani foundation which i tried on at the department store and it has wonderful application and ive heard rave reviews about it. next cle de peau mascara or guerlain. i use guerlain powder foundation with their brush which i love. it gives you that i have no make up on flawless look. i heard guerlain mascara is great too. but the cle de peau girl at the counter had nicely curled lashes. or should i stick to the staple diorific mascara that everyone stands by. or theyres always lancome. ho hum so many choices. then again good ol' maybelline volumizing mascara has never failed me.

$400 Mani/Pedi

2010-07-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

i had one foot done mainly in blue...

and the other one in silver...which do you prefer? i personally like the mainly silver one

you have to click to enlarge the photo of the nails...theyre gorgeous! the pictures dont do them justice

feeling foul

2010-07-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

i was in such a bad mood i had to splurge. got a massage, got all my waxing done, got a metallic customized pedicure where they individually shape each artificial toe nail because theres no nail polish that exists thats as shiny. i love it. my nails well thats a whole 'nother long ass process. i'll post pics tomorrow. i spent an obscene amount of money today. fuck. people pissed me off. this is all their fault.

Margiela = Bliss, Korean Weather = Misery

2010-07-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

my new margiela boots, shipped all the way from Brown's in London have finally arrived! they didn't have my size (36) in korea

these babies made my chanel wallet many ounces lighter (i dont have a credit card in korea so i pay in cash) but will be totally worth it because i am going to wear the hell out of them

crappy close up picture of me in fluroscent lighting

im so exhausted these days. its the weather, my dad's failing health (he has stage 4 colon cancer thats spread to his lungs, liver, stomach, etc.), my relationship with my fiance is becoming strained because of our conflicting schedules. we both have a lot on our minds.

im trying to decide whether i might move to paris next year to study at esmod or london at central st. martins. but that would mean we would be apart for years. and i dont think i could sustain a long distance relationship. theres an esmod branch in korea but i'd rather study in paris which is the main campus or go to london.

my passion is to become a stylist for runway shows, celebrities, or also for general people who need help establishing a signature wardrobe. i would love to do that collaborate and work with other creative people, i know i would feel like im in my element.

i dont know if getting married and raising children is what im cut out for. i dont believe i could give a child everything he/she needs to be the best person they can become. i dont want to be one of those people that has kids to fit the profile of what society tells you what normal is.

he needs to concentrate on his career as a stock broker. he's just begun his career not too long ago. we're both young. yet not so young that we wouldn't be able to start a family within a year or two. which we've both considered.

i cant have children for health reasons which i refuse to disclose on a public blog. i can only have children through a surrogate or adoption. i think maybe in my 40's or late 30's i'll be ready but for now i am far from it.

these days all i do is shop, eat lunch by myself at my favorite hole in the wall bistro, and roam around. i stopped going to the dermatologist to get facials, massages, and stopped getting my nails done because i need to cut down a little bit on my spending. and that saves about $1500 a month.

i still dont scrimp on necessities. i always eat well and healthfully and shop in moderation ;)

2010-07-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

horrible cellphone picture of the most beautiful valentino shoes that im considering purchasing.
the only thing is theyre $2000 and theyre really inconvenient to put on and take off, theres like corset strings that fasten your foot into the shoe...pretty but such a hassle.

Supper and Bubbly

2010-07-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

the fiance and i enjoyed a bottle of veuve at the hyatt. was tres romantic...
look at the tiny muffin they give, i didnt eat it because i was so full from dinner

this was dinner, a mushroom risotto, look at the restaraunts name "Noah" beautifully emblazoned on a big slice

sorry for the lack of outfit posts i always come home exhausted

The Most Sexiest Korean Man

2010-06-30T12:38:00.000-07:00

First Outfit/Accessories Post

2010-06-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

korea is going gonzo over the world cup. i could care less about soccer. i tripped over a soccer ball in the fifth grade and still have a scar from the concrete induced wound. since then ive hated the sport.

this is my personal blog but also is a fashion blog so ive decided to post my outfits, accessories, beauty tips, etc. all the outfit posts are taken with a self timer on my samsung NV24HD VLUU at my studio with my wall paper and riff raff as my back drop. i apologize ahead for the lack of photographic tactfulness.

the fiance and i at a water park (hence the lack of makeup and chloe sunglasses)

vintage stone and husk bracelet & cholo sterling silver bracelet

chain link, skull rhinestone, skull and spread eagle rings

side shot of today's outfit (american apparel white shirt worn as a dress)

the temporary glitter tattoo that i got on my decolletage to match my gold bikini for the water park (isnt it pretty?)

my old trusty lamb skin prada purse

this is what my house looks like. i have racks and racks and piles and piles of clothes, shoes, purses, jewelry, toiletries. i could run a miniature bergdorf's *sigh if only i had saved my money i could run a freakin hedge fund. but what can i say? fashion is my first love.

my one month anniversary gift from the fiance

i love miu miu and prada shoulder straps, they're thin and ergonomic

changed into my $16 psychedelic leggings

like my messy studio? wine bottles, mattress and flat screen tv on the floor bahahaha thats just me! =)

headshot w/ my bitch face going on (chanel sunnies, vintage scarf)

a blurry close up of my old aldo shoes that i wore to death

hand cuff bracelet, red leather bracelet w/ some french phrase written on the silver plate that i can't seem to decipher and it has a tiny eiffel tower attached to it, vintage african motif wooden bracelet

special edition korean designer coffee bean ring (on ring finger), owl rhinestone ring, wing ring

jeez i really need a nail make over. but at least this is a great shot of my silk based wall paper. its a snake skin motif, very realistic no? i custom ordered it and it took me hours to find it!

back shot (my tattoo is in greek, it means "give me a place to stand and i will move the earth" by archimedes)

i know my toes look disgusting because theyre peeling from all the stilletos and boots i wear but this was by far the most beautiful and expensive pedicure i have ever gotten. the flowers that are glued to my toe nails are ceramic and imported from japan. seriously with the swarvoski crystals off setting the flowers this looks so much prettier in person.

i went into a cartier boutique in seoul and tried on their draped trinity necklace and fell in love. i wish i had $9,000 to just spare = ( although i didnt make a purchase the staff was very gracious when i purchase this necklace (which i will one day soon) i will go back there

Leisure and Desirables

2010-06-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

i love this whole look. im totally going to try to hunt down a large deep sea foam green silk scarf. i also am digging the givenchy bag. ive had my eye on it for about a year now but theres a few other bags that i find slightly more desirable.

i love megan fox's dress. love the the color (i usually hate red but i think its perfect on this dress) front cross detail, the flower, and shoulder pads along with the beautiful neckline.

however on a sidenote foxy looks like she has gotten some work done on her face, which was totally uneccessary. ive been considering getting my lips done. she seems to have gotten her lips, cheeks, and even her forhead done. what a shame she was more beautiful before the work. however her nose job which she got done before she made it big with transformers, was done really well and was necessary but she didnt need anything else.

i hate camping, but i wouldnt mind lodging in a cabin with some friends or a significant other and snuggling up on the porch.

i love this picture because it reminds me of my friends and my birthday celebrations. we always threw each other big bashes. but now ive been in korea for over 2 years now and we've all sort of grown apart. it makes me a little sad actually.

i wish i could wear shorts and sneakers and still look cool but im just too short to pull it off.

i love the alexander mcqueen advertisements for their sunnies. i recently went into a mcqueen boutique and while i was browsing i teared up. i cant believe such a wonderful talent is gone.

i love this assymetrical embroidered heart neck top

i want a skirt just like that in that color and style with the perfect side slit

digging the fringe top and bobby socks with open toe platforms

one of the best denim on denim looks i've seen by far. i love her necklace and her low scoop neck navy tank. oh and her loose casual hair style tops off the look perfectly. the fact that she rides a motorcycle/scooter makes her that much cooler.

these are from the bottega venneta men's collection from the milan runway.

i absolutely love this look! i wish they made those shorts in my size!

Inclinations

2010-06-22T03:49:00.000-07:00

i am inclined to be incredibly impulsive. im impatient, always get what i want, (ok maybe not everything but mostly everything), and am usually reasonable but can be emotional at times just like anybody else.

i decided that i need some space from my boyfriend. we moved way too fast. and i feel that we need to know what it feels like to miss each other. maybe its because his job as a stockbroker keeps him so busy and exhausted he cant spend as much time with me as we both want.

i dont work so i have a lot of leisure time. i get my nails done, get facials, massages, go shopping. i have lunch with the few girlfriends that i have. but most of the people i know are men, who i am trying to avoid. i end up spending my late nights with a glass of wine watching breakfast at tiffany's and pining for my boyfriend. i understand he cant come over every night and i dont even want that. but seeing him only twice a week is just not enough. sure he calls like 10 times a day. but talking on the phone just isnt enough.

i even considered breaking up with him. it would be hard to lose him. but i think after a few days i'd be alright. im going to LA in august for a month. maybe we'll take a break then. i guess i dont actually love him. i really thought i did when we first met but as time goes by its fizzling away.

Things That I Want

2010-06-14T23:25:00.001-07:00

Hermes saffron high waisted gown (US$11,500! but worth every penny its part of John Paul Gaultier's last collection)

Hermes Crocodile Constance

Porsche Cayenne Turbo (as my everyday car)

Ferrari Enzo (with black exterior and tan interior)

I Fucked Up

2010-06-14T22:47:00.000-07:00

It's been two days since our one month anniversary. He bought me the white calf skin Miu Miu tote that I wanted to use for summer.

And what do I do? On the night before our anniversary I call up an old friend or oppa (which means older brother or guy in korean) and he came over. We talked all night over Pear Absolut and tonics (yum). We both got tipsy and even the oppa was like "I wasn't sure if it was right to come over or not, youre in a happy relationship." (We had hooked up twice before in the past before I met my boyfriend) I was like it's fine nothing will happen. He lied down to rest his eyes for a bit and I layed next to him.

I started bringing up my kinky aggressive sex life, what I liked, etc. Of course he got turned on and I totally seduced him. The sex was amazing perhaps because it was so wrong. The eerie thing is the oppa kept asking me "What if your boyfriend just shows up?" I assured him that he never does that. He always calls before he comes over and its not like he has a key or anything. Well what do you know? Literally five minutes after we were done having sex my phone rings and it's my boyfriend calling to take me out to lunch for our anniversary. He told me he'd arrive in 15 minutes. The oppa scrambled out of my apartment and I quickly cleaned up the evidence. I was still super drunk at 11:30 am and I needed to come up with an excuse as to why I was drunk.

So I told my boyfriend that I drank with a girlfriend at my house because I was stressed about family issues. Which is true. I even cried when we got home from lunch. The tears were out of guilt. But I told him the concerns I had about my family instead of the truth about what had just happened. How can I be so deceitful? I am an evil fucked up person. I don't know why I did it. It's out of insecurity and the fear that one day he may leave me. It's like I want to beat him to the punch before he can ever hurt me. I guess my past has come back to haunt me. Fuck all my ex-boyfriends. This is all their fault.

He's getting me a ring its not exactly an engagement ring but it sort of kind of is. A thin white gold and diamond eternity band next month when he gets his next paycheck. He spends all his money on me. And calls every time he has a spare moment. He's attentive and loving as ever. I felt super guilty and called my sister and balled my eyes out to her. She scolded me and told me just to make sure that it never happens again. But the strange thing is I've kind of pushed it aside now and I'm ok with myself. I don't feel horrible. Am I a monster?

Love Love Love

2010-06-10T01:10:00.000-07:00

I am head over heels, swept off my feet, indisputably in love. All the failed relationships and heartache I've experienced doesn't even phase me any longer. We listen to each other and communicate so well and already share such a great bond. It's only been 3 weeks. I know, I know some people may roll their eyes but I don't care.

He is kind, funny, knowledgable, generous, and on top of it all very very sexy. We met at a party, he told me he couldn't take his eyes off of me the instant he saw me. He approached me and made intense eye contact. It was kind of intimidating but he was so hot that even though I was blushing I couldn't avoid his gaze. He's Korean and doesn't speak much English but it's not much of a problem because I'm about 90% fluent in Korean.

Gosh I can't even begin to describe how much I love him. His name is Woo Choon. I even love his name. He's 28, three years older than me which I think is just right. Although I think I am a bit more mature than him. But he's definitely far from juvenile, but a bit of a jokester which can be a little irritating and exhausting at times. I told him I'm a little more on the serious side and he needs to cut it out and he listened. Who says you can't change a man? If he really loves you he will do anything for you. I even asked him if he would wax his armpits because I hate armpit hair on women AND men. I was hesitant to ask because in Korea theyre super conservative about men shaving/waxing their body. It's has a lot to do with obtaining their masculinity. But surprise surprise, my boyfriend said he was up for it if I really wanted him to. Some may say he's whipped but I listen to him and am changing for him as well. I cut down on smoking and started working out again. I do yoga or swim laps every day now. He also doesn't like me to drink when he's not around. So unless it's a person's birthday and it's not really a situation where he can/should come, I don't drink.

We always laugh and smile at each other. When he tries my patience I make the effort not to raise my voice and calmly tell him the reasoning behind why I'm worried/angry because of his actions. He's way more mellow than me. I'm very emotional. We're disgustingly sweet to each other and when we answer the phone we always greet each other with "honey or baby" the instant we pick up. I became part of the type of couple that made me want to puke. He told me that I'm the prettiest, smartest, and understanding girlfriend he's ever had and thinks I'm the most wonderful woman in the world. I feel like a queen when I'm with him. I've always wanted a boob job but he told me that my breasts are perfect just the way they are. Needless to say the sex is amazing. He's tender yet strong at the same time. It's the first time I feel like I'm actually "making love" to someone.

We've even discussed future plans. Marriage came up, and even the topic of where we would want to send our children to school. They'd be born in the U.S. and raised in Korea and attend private international school. So their education would be in English and they would go to Korean language school so they know how to read and write Korean. University will definitely be Ivy League or Stanford or M.I.T. My boyfriend is a stock broker, but doesn't make a fortune at the moment. He told within 2 years he can make at least $200K a year and it'll only go up from there. So I have assurance that we can live comfortably. I don't have to live the lifestyle of a rockstar, I don't mind living semi-modestly as long as my children's education is fruitful and I have my man by my side.

Over Budget and Broke

2010-05-01T06:56:00.000-07:00

so i met with the decorator today. im doing the walls completely different from my first concept which was the chandelier motif. im doing one wall a texturized dark snake skin, and the rest a concret brick wall. the floors will have a concrete feel too. the downside, i went to the decorator by myself and i got carried away. all of this is going to cost ALOT of money. way over budget. i havent told him of my plans but im cooking up a plan to try to persuade him. but i hope my dad doesnt refuse. i mean i am moving to a much smaller place and downsizing in a lot of ways. and the wallpaper in my current place is hideous it puts me in a bad mood. i feel like if i live in a space that i love it'll make such a difference. i cant wait to put up art, in particular the marilyn monroe warhol print. it'll go perfect on the brick print.

love this dress.

i want to swaddle in a coat like this. the weather in korea is so unpredictable right now.

2010-04-30T06:32:00.000-07:00

i want to get my hands on a pair of stillettos just like these.

i want this dress or something like it.

i love kate's leather pants. those extra zippers make them killer.

today was spent jogging for two hours. i havent exercised that much in years. im definitely committed to losing weight. ive gained so much that most of my clothes dont fit and its truly frustrating. at first i was just going to throw in the towel and just accept it but i have never been chubby in my life and i dont want to start now. i set my alarm extra early tomorrow so i can go again for long run in the morning. im gonna try to do a run in the morning and evening so i can double up on calorie burning. im definitely not going to starve myself because thats just not the way to go. but what i am going to try to do is cut back on smoking or truly attempt to quit. it was so tough on my lungs running i was wheezing by the time i got home and drank like a liter of water.

Chop Chop

2010-04-29T05:45:00.000-07:00

i cut all my hair off! and i love it! its so liberating. ive never had it this short.

Random Thoughts

2010-04-28T05:22:00.000-07:00

i love the idea of innerwear as outerwear. lingerie inspired clothes are my favorite. but of course its deemed inappropriate most of the time. maybe that why i love it so much.

i want leather shorts

this is a cute spring look i would wear.

i want these topshop earrings even if they do weigh a ton

i need one of these in every color.

lovely silouette. perfect outfit.

i have that hat! wish i was at coachella...

how gorge are these versace platforms.

2010-04-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

i finally found the cable that connects my camera to my laptop. ugh it was in the last place i would have ever looked! it was under my freakin bed! i have no idea how it got there. anyway heres a recent picture of me with my fugly hair cut. i cant wait to grow it out and dye it blonde. but for now im giving my hair a much needed rest and just letting it stay natural for a bit.

not much has been going on except my dad got incredibly angry with me for not paying my utility bills for a few months. they were going to shut my electricity off if i didnt pay it but i had no idea that the bills had mounted up that much. korean mail is really different from american mail. plus i cant read it that well so i usually just toss it aside. i know its irresponsible. but thats what ive been doing for the past couple months.

i wish i didnt have to worry about bills. if i had a job than i wouldnt have to ask my dad for every nickle and dime. its getting to be tedious. and god knows how long its been since ive been able to spend money in a leisurely fashion. so all i do all day is im stuck at home, confined since i cant really afford to do anything. just a few days ago i went jogging and found a dance studio that i was thinking about checking out but then i thought whats the point? i have no money to join anyway. it was depressing. the only thing i dont scrimp on is food since thats really an essential. but really other than that i dont spend my money on anything else, nor do i have a choice. well food and cigarettes. wow this is turning out to be a really whiny entry. so i'll stop now.

2010-04-21T11:02:00.000-07:00

well i found an apartment! its much smaller than my current one but the good news is i get to completely renovate it. im redoing the walls and refinishing the floors. so everything will be brand new. i dont think it'll be too bad living in the new apartment it'll be cozy. my current apartment is always pretty cold.

so i want the wallpaper to be somewhat like this except less fussy and intricate. a more simple and solid chandelier.

i think this shot of gemma ward is gorgeous. its that perfect sunkissed look

i love sienna miller. despite her scandalous affairs. this is one of my favorite dresses on her. i love green. its my favorite color.

this is a good example of what i wear on a typical day. a simple black coat, jeans, and uggs. yes i am a slob.

2 day hangover

2010-04-16T04:09:00.000-07:00

so inviting friends over, turned into going clubbing and drinking copious amounts of johnny walker blue. scotch is not my favorite drink of choice but they dont carry patron silver or grey goose which is actually much cheaper but easier for me to drink. of course no veuve cliquot either and definitely not laurent perrier brut rose (which is my new favorite, it goes great with spicy foods) anyway enough liquor talk. im still hung over, scotch is to be enjoyed and sipped not get drunk on. im an idiot.

im so mad at my family right now. i have to move and i just got back from the realtor's office. we looked at several apartments and they are half the size of my current place. now i know one of the rooms i have in my apartment right now goes completely unused. but why do i have to downgrade? its like driving aston martin and then leasing a mustang. im just so bummed i have to move. i wish i could live in a penthouse like big and carrie's in the sex and the city movie. that closet was *magical* its ok to have a small apartment in your 20's i guess. ive been spoiled and havent paid rent for 2 years so i shouldnt complain.

i woke up rather early and after nibbling on some brunch i decided to go window shopping. i of course cant actually shop since im currently jobless and cant even afford to get my nails done. first up gucci. i tried on some crazy sexy 6 inch stilletto strappy sandals that zipped up the front. they made my pale pathetic legs look so much longer. then i was off to prada i chatted awhile with the manager and she showed me some stuff that was in the back that was not on display yet. i drooled over a feather light hooded black leather jumper that hits just at the waist, i mean just the right spot like it was custom made for me. it was painful, dreadfully so. but it didnt stop there. i am a masochist, i went to the holy grail. HERMES. it was there the sales girl showed me an enormous birkin that was obviously meant for traveling. but that was a bit cartoonish almost like a novelty item. but it was the constance bag that tugged at my heart. i have two american platinum credit cards that i never carry around for this reason. impulse buys. but this bag was calling my name and looked so timeless and dainty on my shoulder i was about to hail a cab and grab my plastic from home. but in the end i decided no. i will not put myself in debt over a bag. i just wont do it. i have impeccable credit and always pay my bill in full every month.

*sigh...there must be something in the air at hermes boutiques, there is always something that i want every time i go in there. whether it be a saddle (and i dont even ride horses) or a silk handkerchief.

the constance
as modeled by mary kate in green croc

i lost the damn cable that connects my camera to the computer so i cant upload any recent photos. the thing just grew legs and disappeared. i looked everywhere!

so instead of current photos of me ill leave with some fresh springy looks from isabel marant, one of my favorite designers.

im partially opposed to fur...damn those peta videos on perezhilton haunt me...but isabel marant does some sumptuous furs that if honestly i could afford them i would snatch them wear the hell out of them.

RIP daul kim (decked out in leopard isabel marant)

i want to go platinum blonde like her but i need to find a job first and if im a stylist and its deemed appropriate for my job title then i would definitely go for it.

2010-04-12T20:30:00.000-07:00

anja rubik in an effortless isabel marant look...an ideal spring/summer outfit

my new must have...this smells heavenly

jane aldridge of "seaofshoes.com" i love this picture of her, her mom is such a talented photographer.

one of my favorite fashion bloggers: rumi neely of "fashiontoast.com"

these fashion bloggers make me so envious. rumi has her professional photographer boyfriend and jane has her mom. i dont have anyone. plus i dont really live in a place that has a great back drop but then again maybe they dont either they just search really hard.

if i had never cut my hair it would be this length...but me and my dumb impulses, grrr. dasha zhukova is lovely. i wish i had a healthy baby boy with the love of my life (although i would never date anyone quite that old)

ok i desperately need a job or need to get the hell out of korea and to cali. i have too much time on my times. i just color coded my closet, vacuumed, went jogging, did laundry, and im just twiddling my fingers wondering what to do next. i would go get my nails done but im on a budget so ive resorted to doing them on my own although im terrible at it.

i think tonight im going to have some friends over for some drinks and good conversation. i havent done that in forever. but that means i have to wait for everyone to get off of work while im still bored. ugh.

Restless

2010-04-10T14:55:00.000-07:00

i cant sleep! i need my rest before my grandfather's big birthday bash in the afternoon. its the boredom that goes along with insomnia that really bites. what is with me these days? i am always hungry, i mean constantly! its ridiculous. its carbs that i crave too french fries, croissants, potato chips, bagels, etc. yuck what's wrong with me? i guess its just a funky food phase.

job prospects are coming either as an executive assistant or as a wardrobe coordinator for TV and/or movies. the latter is the one im hoping for because obviously i have a passion and interest in fashion and it would be a great experience.

romantically im doing poorly. i dont even go out that much anymore. the monotony of just going on dates with people that i didnt have true feelings for just wasn't cutting it. i'd rather be alone than bored wondering. i did go on one date recently with my ex kevin but it was rather lackluster. i realized that my feelings for him had completely dissolved. an emotionally unavailable selfish 28-year-old baby just isnt appealing to me any longer.

its so hard to find balance in my life. work, love, friendships, self-growth. but im working on it every day.

2010-02-04T10:13:00.000-08:00

L.D. in all her glory

cool collage

lily donaldson is perfection in this pic...luv her laid back style

lately ive felt really lackluster. theres no spark in my life. its so dull. i had to discontinue the volunteer work because their winter vacation is over now and their days are filled with school and other activities like tae kwon do, math and english tutors. these children are well provided for and its comforting to know that. im going to miss them but i have to move on to the next chapter of my life.

i just got a job at a clothing store. the owner is the designer of every piece in the store including all the interior decorations. shes actually an architect but ended up designing clothing full time. shes training me to take over the store. its only my second day today but theres so much to learn. we're in our trial period she made it clear that if i dont make the cut within a week then she will fire me. so its pretty cut throat.

enough about mundane everyday happenings. what i really wish for is to just get away from this god awful weather. its so cold.

JEALOUSY

2010-01-16T09:51:00.000-08:00

here's one reason why i only have three close girlfriends. their names are terry, jackie, and carrol. those only girls i trust. im not saying that every other girl on this planet would be jealous of me because i havent met every girl in this world. i know this for a fact because ill start a friendship with one and ill introduce her to my friends, who are all pretty much guys. if theres a spark im very supportive and happy. i even introduce girlfriends to guys that im dating because i have no problem with it. i mean why wouldnt i? i dont have anything to be afraid of. im not threatened by other girls. if by some chance i get a boyfriend stolen by some bitch then that guy that left me was never meant to be with me right?

recently i have been hanging out with this girl, taking her out introducing her to different groups of my friends taking her out to all the hot clubs. and never once has she invited me to go out with a group of her guy friends. at first i just thought it wasnt a big deal and maybe she just really wasnt thoughtful enough to invite me. but then there were obvious instances where i was bored at home doing nothing and she knew this and still didnt even bother to invite me. once she blatantly told me she was going out with a group of guys and wanted to be the only girl there. aka didnt want competition. and i thought she was a friend. boy was i wrong. if it was the other way around i would have totally invited her. i would have a better time if a girl went with me to an all guys party. but i guess thats just her preference but it pissed me off. after all that i did for her.

my old roomate (good riddance to her) was the same way. these are all reminders to me that most girls are insecure and jealous. its so sad cuz girls should stick together but instead theyre always working against each other. sad sad sad. but its a lesson i had to learn for the millionth time. and hopefully i wont make the same mistake again.

2010-01-10T00:04:00.001-08:00

my volunteer work is going well but im running low on money already so its one of my main concerns. i knew what i was getting myself into but i didnt realize how fast i actually spend my money until now. i think i might have to ask my grandfather for assistance. i think he'll understand, he knows the work that im doing and not that i feel any sort of entitlement but my family is wealthy so i dont feel like its such a huge burden for them to help me.

yesterday i went to my first jiu jitsu class. it was some cool shit! cant wait to see the results of the work outs. last night i went out to a club to blow off some steam and ended up having one too many shots. i ended up making out with this guy, but in my drunken state i guess i didnt realize he was sucking on my neck and my cousin told me i had a hickey when i got home. i am so fucking pissed. seriously hickeys are so fucking middle school. my god. now im going have to go through the trouble of covering it up everyday with concealer. im so embarrassed. but i guess thats what happens when you drink too much. cant believe i didnt realize he was sucking so hard. ugh.

with the volunteer work my days are pretty busy so times going by quickly the way i like it. the progress im making with the girls is great. we're getting closer and im slowly but surely gaining their trust. i just need to forge ahead with the work im doing and everything will fall into place.

2010-01-01T04:11:00.000-08:00

these are my girls! in order from youngest to oldest...

soo been, 8

ye hyang, 9

na yun, 10

min jee, 10

da young, 10

jung hee, 10

hyun meen, 11

mee lae, 11

bo min, 11

these little girls bicker and fight like no other! i try my best not to interfere and let them figure it out for themselves. despite the little fights they still have a good sense of team work and the older girls take care of the younger ones. they're a good little unit.

i didnt do anything for NYE this year. clubbing and being inebriated isn't appealing to me. i went to bed extra early because i was going to my grandparent's house by 7 am to help out with cooking the food which is korean tradition. i got there before most of my aunts and all of my cousins. my grandma was like, wow you're all grown up and ready to get married. haha.

ill post pics of my family on my next post.

In Love

2009-12-29T05:18:00.000-08:00

today was the most fulfilling day of my life. i had so much fun!

it was my first official day at the orphanage. the children are assigned in groups of around 9 per room. my room is a group of girls ranging from age 8 to 11. its quite difficult for me to memorize korean names so i dont know every single one of their names but their care giver is going to make them name tags so that'll be a big help.

i brought a book that comes with a read-a-long cd that also has a chant song. so we did some reading and singing which they really enjoyed. but for the most part we just hung out. i taught them how to do cartwheels and they tried to stuff me with candy but i had to refuse because i would have gotten a stomach ache if i ate all of it!

im scheduled to stay from 2-7 pm, but they didnt want me to leave so i gave in and stayed an extra hour. and once it was 8 pm they were like stay just for 30 more minutes please? it was so adorable. i really didnt mind staying the extra hour. i didnt want to leave. it is the most amazing feeling to have a group of children feel that way about me. i feel like im the lucky one.

im taking my camera with me on thursday so i'll take lots of pictures and post them.

i feel so blessed right now im on cloud 9.

As Time Lurches On

2009-12-26T05:29:00.000-08:00

not having to work is quite nice, i have time to roam the city and shop, catch up with friends that ive neglected...however all this leisure time is making me completely restless! desite the copious consumption of cocktails and long phone conversations i find myself with spare time. i mean theres only so much gossip site trolling i can do. i even finally got around to finishing up two books, john brockman's what is your dangerous idea? and malcolm gladwell's outliers. both excellent by the way.

i was always catching up on sleep before and had to put errands on the back burner. now all my laundry's done and all the little nomad piles of clothes on the floor have been transferred to their designated armoirs. but the days are passing so slowly. i had constantly been on the go for the last six months its odd that everthing has slowed down. i know i should totally be relishing this but i dont. i like being a workaholic, its just who i am.

its been only a few days and im feeling like this, this is how impatient i can be at times. "chill" is the last word i would use to describe myself. dynamic is more me, but when i have my mind set on something i wont budge an inch not even a millimeter.

thank goodness i have my meeting with the director of the orphanage on monday and i really want to get this ball rolling. i have a year's worth of experience privately tutoring english and teaching at an academy but what if its not enough? i know its volunteer work but what if my qualifications just arent sufficient. im not nervous or weary, just hopeful.

im thinking of enrolling in a dance studio for fun. i can shake what my momma gave me with the best of them, but ive never done any kind of choreography. i want to learn some crazy maddonna-esque moves. i also always wanted to learn that thing that strippers do, how they climb the pole and slide down it upside down. fun!

so i hit up uniqlo and the jil sander +J line definitely did not disappoint. i bought a voluminous dress with a keyhole collar accompanied with an obi belt, a pair of yoga pants, and a well cut blazer. all in black of course. the blazer is awesome because it can be worn alone without a shirt. heres a pic

im obsessed with these YSL cage boots
im looking for specs just like these, im getting sick of wearing my contacts all the time and the current pair of glasses i have are sort of boring. i only wear them around the house. geek chic is definitely the way to go.

i would rotate this headband and....

this prada turban (in black of course) everyday if i had them in my clutches
i fell in love with the turban ever since i first watched breakfast at tiffany's as a little girl. 2E getting out of that cab looking glorious with her flaming red lips and sultry purr. i have yet to find a good turban...im going to try look for one tomorrow

i love this belt and mk's dress on the right

im not digging this guy's dandy look. i believe men should dress in a more masculine manner. but i would totally rock that chanel briefcase, the 2.55 is so overexposed it's lost its timelessness

2009-12-23T03:49:00.000-08:00

Jil Sander's +J for Uniqlo

Jourdan Dunn

Gisele's little bump

so today was very productive. i went to one prospective agency to find out how i could volunteer so they told me to come in and discuss it with one of the directors. my appointment was in the afternoon and i realized that with this particular agency, Holt, i would be doing a lot of administrative work for example translating letters from prospective parents, editing the newsletter, etc. and thats not really what i was looking for. i want to be more hands on with the children. spend quality time with them and let them know that theres someone here to help them learn english, only if they want to, or just hang out and vent. god knows what goes on in the minds of these children. its not anybody's fault but im sure the majority of older orphans are neglected and dont really get an adults attention. at least not the amount of attention they deserve and need. im no mother theresa or the most patient person but i love kids and if i can help one kid from losing hope than that would be my mission accomplished.

so i digress. anyway the director at Holt let me know that they mainly work with infants and place them in foster care. so i asked her if she knew of any orphanages in seoul near my house where they cared for older children. she then went and got the information for me for an orphanage 15 minutes away from my house on the subway. i thanked her for helping me out and after i left the Holt offices called the orphanage right away. however there wasnt anyone that i could meet with today so im waiting for them to call me back tomorrow. if i dont get a call back by tomorrow morning then im going to be super proactive if not obnoxious about this and call them back. when i have my mind set on something i never let anything get in my way. the woman i spoke to on the phone sounded skeptical and almost annoyed. i guess there have been flakey or unreliable volunteers in the past? or maybe shes just super busy and just doesnt want to deal with anything. whatever. but im not going to let this one person's piss poor attitude deter me.

in other news i didnt know brittany murphy had died until today. so sad. she was too young. she was really talented too, she had that tiny little frame and that kooky big laugh. theyre speculating that anorexia or drugs may have played a part in her death. i hope thats not the case and that she kept her weight low by unhealthy means.

in other lighter news gisele bundchen, jourdan dunn, and dasha zhukova all had baby boys. i didnt even know that these three were pregnant. i knew there was speculation over gisele's pregnancy but i didnt know that it was confirmed. this is how out of the loop i am. now jourdan and dasha are a little more under the radar because they're mostly only known in the fashion industry. ahhh i feel baby fever! i wish i had a life partner a la angelina and brad, and my own big family i want 4!! NOT TODAY or tomorrow but one day it'll happen, and i want it sooner than later. i am 24 after all and thats still young but definitely old enough to know what i want and when i want it. first i have to meet mr. right ;) and that is definitely not anyone ive met yet.

i am so excited about jil sander's +J for uniqlo collection which debuted today. the collection's palette focuses on white, ivory, pastels, and "chalked out acids" in a range of fabrics — waterproof ultrafine cottons, high-tech satins and “sumptuous wools” are included. i am so stoked. eeek im going to the uniqlo store thats five minutes away from my house tomorrow. if i have any readers from the US and uniqlo is not available to them i know they are green with envy and rightfully so. jil sander at bargain prices!! prices range from US $10.50-$149.50. but i need to be extra frugal since i have no income as of now so theres no guarantee that ill even buy anything. wish i had a shopping buddy to go with. boo. i might take my camera with me and take pics in the dressing room. if i do ill definitely upload them. the last thing i bought at uniqlo is my alexander wang dress which i still treasure. and is my only wang piece to date. one day ill buy something his line, most likely a sweater and a bag, maybe an accessory since i hear he's getting into that.

New Beginning

2009-12-22T10:11:00.000-08:00

i quit my job at the bar. have a little bit of money in my bank account. that'll tide me over for a bit. starting tomorrow im going to go to prospective adoption center or agencies that need my help and i want to volunteer. so be employed by them but im not asking for any form of payment. this is actually a selfish deed. its more for me. i feel like once im out of my head and in this stupid social network im in right now and in an environment where there are so many needs ill be able to fully grasp what i was meant to do. the only that concerns me is that im gonna show tomorrow with my teaching experience and little else. i hope an agency gives me a chance. i know its going to be back breaking work which ive never done before. but it'll be a wake up call for me. im excited and i cant wait for tomorrow.

Contents of One's Bag

2009-12-13T02:37:00.000-08:00

(prada nappa bag, escada perfume, fur scarf, spiked cuff, pink cellphone, leather gloves, make up forever poweder brush, face shop (cheapie) face powder, blue mac eyeliner, mac lip glass in personal taste, shu uemura lash curler, chanel lipstick in lover, parliament lights, pink ipod nano, mini diary rhinestone bracelets, chanel vinyl wallet)
im always nosey and curious as to what is inside a person's purse. it gives you insight into a person's lifestyle, habits, etc. so heres a little sneak peak into my purse.

Beautiful Images

2009-12-12T07:52:00.000-08:00

*update: i had no idea daul kim had committed suicide. so sad. she had a blossoming career yet gave her fans and friends insight into her loneliness via her blog.
her last words on her blog were, "say hi to forever" such a tragedy. and it hits even closer to home because shes a young korean woman.

im bored so i decided to do one moody entry and one wistful one. beautiful images make me happy and remind me of what i need to surround myself with.

if you dont know this face you dont know fashion. Spring Giles 2010

january jones

john galliano and marion cotillard

rose byrne

anita ekberg

claudia cardinale

Under the Weather

2009-12-12T04:23:00.000-08:00

i feel like shit. its freezing cold outside. i have no appetite and i wish i had someone to cuddle with. the only thing thats sustaining me is cigarettes and diet coke along with the office reruns online. its saturday night here in korea and im spending it at home =(

its fine though i could use the rest. ive been catching up on gossip girl episodes and just vegging out. ive also been reading up on the gossip blogs.

i had heard about the tiger woods scandal but didnt know that it was this out of control. the media is making him out to be a sex maniac. i think its being exaggerated. how humiliating for his poor wife and children. i also saw some pictures of the women that he had the affairs with and they all seem to be the sleazy type. im not against breast augmentation. hell i might get my boobs done one day too, but they will never be exposed or spilling over in such an obvious sleazy manner. his mistresses all look like they have no taste or style. theyre the epitome of unchic, like they rolled out of a playboy magazine shoot. its so disappointing to hear about someone like tiger woods desiring only women like this. it makes me wonder are all guys like that? do they all like their women trashy and easy?

all in all i feel like the media needs to back off cuz its sort of out of control. i just feel bad for his family, even for him a little. we all make mistakes but dont have to answer to the entire world when we're caught.

lord knows ive made my share of mistakes. many of which i will take to the grave. secrets that make me vulnerable and ashamed. i hate that as you get older life only seems to get heavier. i dont remember the last time i felt light. just bright and full of energy. maybe its just a phase im going through but its kind of a dark period in my life right now where my close friends and most of my family are so far away.

its extremely discouraging when i meet people constantly and realize the quality of the majority is extremely poor. i know i sound like a complete snob but its true. i go out on atleast one date with a different guy every week and none of them interest me. kevin and i are on the outs for now. but who knows with us its different every month.

i wish i could just find a friend whether romantic or not, gay or straight to rely on.

Chanel Lover

2009-11-23T20:29:00.000-08:00

thats the shade of lipstick im wearing. it was a birthday gift from one of my co-workers. im really digging dark red lipstick this winter. it bodes well with my newly darkened locks and pale pale skin.

work is boring as usual. my dating pool is getting wider and wider. kevin's my #1 but he's not really my official boyfriend according to him and me as well so theres an understanding that we're free to date other people.

im not gay, and ive never "experimented" sexually with a girl before but i met someone recently. shes a photographer. shes intelligent, funny, easy going, and just fun to be around not to mention very beautiful. we went on what i guess you could call a date, and then she invited me to one of her best friends birthday parties. shes told me shes only dated men just like i have but she said that she found me attractive and interesting. ditto for me. lets see where this goes. i doubt it will develop into a full-on relationship but only time can tell.

then theres two guys that i met at work. i know i shouldnt go out on dates with customers. but im really picky about who i choose and so far they havent turned out to be total weirdos. in fact theyre both really nice. but theyre both vanilla and im more of a rocky road type of girl.

my ghetto fab silver gradiation zebra stripe nails

i need some sort of adventure a little *ooomph in my life. its too mundane at the moment. i mean i am pretty busy work wise but it'd be nice to have something to really look forward to on my days off besides shopping...im just a spoiled brat. i need to get a hobby. or a maybe a pet. you know what? i think i might just do that im going to go out and buy myself a pet today. ill post what kind as soon as i get one.

Hair Crisis/Halloween & Birthday Pics

2009-11-18T22:08:00.000-08:00

so i just had THE greatest day. kevin took me shopping for my birthday. it was sweet he acted like he didnt care but in actuality the day of my birthday he was really busy so he decided to play it cool and make me mad. then he took the day off today (which he NEVER does) and spent the day with me. first we went for lunch and afterwards hit up a department store that has all my favorites chanel, prada, etc. kevin told me to get anything and everthing i want and need. my mind veered towards a pair of prada pumps and a new bag but i didnt want to take advantage. he makes good money (around six figures) but hes not wealthy by any means.

so i strolled over to the sunglass counter since they are reasonably priced. i picked out a perfectly chic and simple pair of tortoise chanel sunnies. then kevin said he want to buy me some kind of jewelry and i was sort of shocked. i didnt want him to make such a big purchase so i suggested swarovski. we went there and i picked out a butterfly ring and floating star pendant. i love both and i know ill wear them all the time. i was really already very thankful and ready to go but kevin insisted that i now buy little necessities so i picked out a new fragrance, incanto bliss by ferragamo (kevin picked it out), and i went to mac and bought a few makeup brushes, gloss, and eyeliner. these were actual things i was running out of/didnt have at home.

by the time we were done we were both tired so we went back to my place for a rest and a snack. i made a few gin and tonics and we watched the recent pedro almodovar movie broken embrace which was excellent. mr. almodovar and penelope cruz along with the rest of the cast of all his movies never disappoint. what we did afterwards ill just keep to myself ;)

pics

getting ready for work

custom made suede and swarovski stilletos...but its too cold to wear em now! gotta wait till spring. its freezing in korea!

my halloween costume...i was a korean geisha called an oh-oooh-dong. supposedly back in the olden days of korea these women were intellectuals and talented in many ways;)

the cake...for some reason the flash wouldnt work when we were taking the pic

grubbing on birthday cake at work...yummm korean cakes are the best!

I was going for a honey blonde and this is what they gave me. Needless to say I got it fixed. Now my hair's dark mink brown.

2009-11-02T11:39:00.000-08:00

this was the worst halloween ever. it started out swell enough. i ended work and hit up spy bar with my co-workers. we got in for free and got VIP service but i went and got drunk. and i mean waaaay too drunk. the drinks were flowing and i was in such a good mood i really dont know what the fuck happened. all i know is my brand new balenciaga wallet got stolen (thank god i only had about $70 in cash) my samsung vluu NV24HD camera is fucked up and wont turn on (hopefully i can get it repaired)

i have a scratch on my face like i fell and hit the sidewalk and a huge bruise all down the backside of my right upper arm. i guess i was walking and ate shit. my favorite white patent peep toe 6 inch heels are ruined. all in all i estimate the damage to be well over $1500. what a fucking mess. this is why i miss my homegirls from back home they never would have let this happened to me. one of my co-workers just stuck me in a cab right outside the club and sent me home. im so fucking pissed im even thinking about quitting. plus i got another job offer yesterday and was considering the move anyway. im not putting all the blame on her though. it was 80% my fault to drink that much to begin with but to put me in a cab alone like that is just straight out wrong especially when it was so obvious i was so gone.

i had so many fun pictures from the 2 halloween parties we threw but since my camera has gone dead i guess it'll just be picture free posts for a few days.

i dont care about the cash the shoes the bruises. i care about the scratch on my face (which im going to the dermatologist for tomorrow) and my balenciaga wallet. whatever bitch or guy has it better enjoy it and not take it for granted. it was so beautiful. im 80% sure the camera can get fixed but if not im never investing in an expensive camera ever again.

Day 17

2009-10-22T13:08:00.001-07:00

its been only a little over two weeks and my plastic surgeon said the swelling is almost completely gone. i couldnt be happier with the results!

i have about a million things i need to do. make doctors appointments. get my hair done. get my nails and toes done. i would like to get a massage but i dont think thats realistic with my schedule. meet for a family lunch with my grandparents. and run about a million other errands. there needs to be more hours in the day!

zombie

2009-10-19T16:11:00.000-07:00

i cant sleep. took...

relaxing day

2009-10-18T07:05:00.000-07:00

spent the day at home watching inglorious basterds. it was just ok. not as violent as i expected. brad pitt's best performance in this was sub par. the "jew hunter" and the woman who plays emmanuelle were the stand out performances in my opinion. however im not saying he's a bad actor, brad pitt was great in babel which is a movie i really enjoyed.

im totally grooving on the leona lewis song and video for "happy" the lyrics are simple and completely relate to how im feeling these days.

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't you take chances
Might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

Chorus:
So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Verse 2:
Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, ohh
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me out of here
I can't stand by your side, ohh no
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

Chorus

Bridge:
So any turns that i can't see,
like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything

Chorus

Outro:
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy

oldies...these pics remind of good times

Fakes

2009-10-16T14:01:00.000-07:00

there are too many i just cant express how many there are...why i wonder?

i was a sociogy major yet i cant figure out the human psyche. every individual is different and indifferent at the same time so thats the reason.

what a wonderful world it would be if everyone was just fucking honest. yet i know thats impossible because everyone has skeletons in their closet. their own reasons for why they lie.

im not a liar. not one bit or ounce of me. im no open book, im private but im not a cheater nor a betrayer.

i dont believe in betryal because i believe thats cowardice. ive been through too much to be a coward.

i know one day all my skeletons will be exposed. im a little scared of all the facts but as long as tabloids exist they will come out. and im okay with that. its my life and thats the way it is. i chose this line of business.

Day 4

2009-10-15T02:57:00.000-07:00

its been 4 days since the bandages have been taken off. my nose looks completely normal now. i just cant wait for even more of the swelling to go away!

Rocky Waters

2009-10-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

so kevin the toxic guy wants to get back together again. but things get so tumultuous with us. he and i are both self centered and we dont give into each others needs. i wonder if he just doesnt really care or pretends not to because he's insecure.

anyway hes in busan, a 2 1/2 hour train ride from seoul and wanted me to come see him because he misses me. i told him i'd think about it. we have this unshakeable bond and make each other laugh like hell. but our relationship is mostly based on sex. albeit amazing sex, but i know hes bad for me so im going to rebuttle his offer. i just need to get this guy outta my life for good.

but hes one of those "good on paper" guys: great job, young, ambitious, and has endless amounts of potential. and i really like that. ugh i need to make up my mind.

plus i met a cutie two days ago at work and we've texting back and forth hes so my type and i think he has interest in me too. so far so good. he seems a lot nicer than kevin

Day 2

2009-10-13T00:06:00.000-07:00

profile

heres a close up my nose still looks a little bulbous due to the swelling

the swelling has gone down so much! i seriously cant wait to see what it will look like in a week then a month when its fully healed. of course a little bit of makeup goes a long way to help cover up the bruises.

Healing New Nose

2009-10-11T19:37:00.000-07:00

not a stitch of make up just swollen bruised me with my lovely new nose
it sort of looks like i got beaten by a boyfriend though a la rihanna/chris brown style

ill post pics with make up soon

so i just got back from the plastic surgeons office and they took the bandages and stitches out. i LOVE the results. theres still a lot of swelling and i can already see what its going to look like after it goes down. i think my doctor was just as thrilled as i was i could just tell from his face expression. this was the best $3500 i have ever spent. i would have paid $10000 if they asked. i truly thank god that the results are so awesome!!

Shopping Shopping Shopping

2009-10-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

this is a personal blog but its also supposed to be a fashion blog as well so im finally posting some pics of my latest purchases. posting the clothes is a little more difficult because i dont have a photographer like many other fashion bloggers but ill get to it one day.

handmade italian ankle boots...its the studs that got me

these have a gold reptile textured killer heel

the gold heel and the the sexy cutout detail is what got me hooked on these

knock-off YSL t-strap tribute pumps...so comfy

my new "edward scissor hands" ankle boots

pink balenciaga wallet...replaced my super old vernis vuitton

and i saved the best for last its my new baby!
new balenciaga bag...its replaced my much loved nappa pada

my new flatmate

inspired by a picture in a japanese nail magazine...i love them!!

ive been considering using red lipstick occassionally

pre rhinoplasty

at work grooving to the music and being silly

so lately ive been shopping a wee bit too much. actually way too much. plus everything costs much more in korea. for example a chanel lipstick is $40 here. im pretty much broke. all i have cash is for cokes and cigarettes which i is what my diet mainly consists of at the moment. im on these prescription diet pills that kill my appetite and one pill that literally melts fat from my body (gotta love korean doctors) im hoping that by halloween ill be able to fit into a playboy bunny costume without looking obese.

i feel as if i come off as really superficial on my blog and i guess in a lot of ways i can be. i want more spirituality in my life and thats why i wanted luke to become a more integral part of it but we already decided that we are going to be just friends and nothing more because i just cant handle the pressure of such a deep commitment. i guess i have issues with being stuck with one person and fidelity. theres just so many fish in the sea why do i have to settle for one? but i suppose once a good one comes along all the others will just pale in comparison.

2009-10-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

yesterday i got a rhinoplasty procedure aka nose job. i didnt hate my nose before but i was unsatisfied with it so i got the tip refined and the bridge of my nose raised. i can already sort of see the results and i am so excited. when i woke up from the operating table i was in pretty bad pain. i asked immediately for some pain killers but they said they had already given me some and i just needed to wait for it to kick in. they were right because about 10 minutes later i felt fine. i seriously didnt think it would be this easy and painless. had i known i would have done it years ago. it was however a little expensive, i went to one of the top surgeons in an expensive area. i wanted to ensure i got the best results and care. its my nose and its going to be on my face so of course right?

so i get home after getting my prescirptions (yay pain killers) and my roommate takes one look at me and is in shock. she told me i looked like lord voltimore from harry potter. i laughed and she laughed. it just sucks that i cant go out and drink for a week actually i think i have to refrain from drinking for two weeks but my bandages come off in a week and thats when i really get to see the results. my nose will still be swollen but alread even after one day i can see the refined tip. im not supposed to smoke but i have been thats one thing i just cant give up and ive heard from other patients that its ok to smoke post-op. i even smoked pre-op although i wasnt supposed to. oh well what the doctors dont know wont kills them. i dont think its a big deal just a mild precaution.

so ill give one of the main shallow reasons why i got this nose job. i hate the way i look in pictures. my nose looks bulbous round and flat. so after this thing heals ill most definitely post more pictures. especially close ups of my face. i really love my eyes and lips but ive always hated my nose and thought it ruined a lot of the pictures i took. especially in an industry where im going to constantly be under scrutiny i had to have it done. when i get back to LA i want to get into acting and i think this procedure just made my face that much more attractive. sure some people say imperfect faces have more character but im not one of those people. im not a dustin hoffman or meryl streep. im more of a halle berry and angelina jolie who by the way both got nose jobs.

anyway im just so excited about everything and i cant wait to see what my nose looks like under all these bandages. my man situation right now is good. the brit is out of my life. he was too austere and cold. plus he's so busy going on business trips to dubai. luke (the doctor is back in my life) and i have resparked our friendship. if thats what you can call it. its more like a courtship because he doesnt really date someone unless he thinks he is going to marry him. he's that religious. i dont know if i can be with someone thats so religious but i know i want to be with him so if i need to make sacrifices then so be it.

2009-09-05T02:36:00.000-07:00

last night was amazing. i met an intriguing gentleman. we spent the night together but only slept (no boundaries were crossed). we kissed and cuddled which im not too fond of because i have a lot of body heat but something about last night i just cant easily forget. i dont know what type of relationship this could lead to since he's a lot older but i really dont mind the age difference. im sure he doesnt either. he pokes fun at my american accent (he's british) and he told me that theres something about me that makes him feel...and then he just sort of trailed off. i feel the same way.

2009-08-24T01:18:00.000-07:00

ok so i didnt go full on blonde because my stylist refused to fry my hair that much. she said that we'll put in some blonde highlights and if i want after a few weeks we can lighten it more. so for now its more of an auburn with flecks of blonde.

i havent had the time to take any pictures but hopefully i will soon. so i finally got a gym membership and i worked out for the first time in years today. it felt really good. i jogged about 2 miles and did 100 crunches on an exercise ball and did some light weight lifting for my arms. my goal is to get bikini ready for next summer. and its sad but i dont fit into most of my old clothes because ive gained so much weight so i really want to go back to my old size but with muscle tone. i want to be able to sprint a mile without breaking a sweat. thats how in shape i want to be. its not so much about the number on the scale.

works going good so far. i had an interview at a museum last week so im waiting to see if i got the job. hopefully i did because working at night is exhausting. however if i didnt get it its not a big deal. i guess it just wasnt meant to be. ive been cutting down on drinking which i think should help a lot in cutting calories and keeping in shape. but ive been smoking like a chimney lately which i know is disgusting but i cant help it. ugh. i have to quit eventually but for now im just going to try to cut back.

dating wise theres this guy kevin, who im always on and off with. but i finally needed to just cut him out for good because he's so inconsistent and its not like im crazy about him either. he was just there and convenient so we'd hang out once in a while but i dont want anything casual, i want an actual real relationship with someone who takes things seriously. im not looking to get married tomorrow but i think its time for me to have one serious relationship. the fact that im turning 24 in november and i havent had one REAL boyfriend is seemingly pathetic. now im beginning to think its not just the guys i meet, it must be me.

2009-08-12T20:15:00.000-07:00

im going back to blonde cuz lets face it we have more fun...ill post new pics as soon as im out of the salon!! cant wait!

2009-08-03T12:17:00.000-07:00

so ive been working making my own money. woo hoo *pat on the back.

but my pay doesnt allow me to shop at prada or yves saint laurent. i get to work my ass off for pretty much nothing. but the lesson in all of this is that money is hard to come by. and its a hard and much-needed lesson learned. now back to prada...

2009-07-22T15:23:00.000-07:00

i miss my short blonde bob

i wish i was back home. =(

im such a southern california girl. orange county/LA. if i had the opportunity to purchase real estate at the moment it would be a small cottage in huntington beach and a loft in downtown LA.

weekends would be spent in oc with family, where my aunt, uncle, cousin, grandma, and close friends all live.

weekdays i can work and socialize in LA with colleagues and acquaintances. also my nephew is so big now! hes in kindergarten so i would love to pick him up from school and take him somewhere fun. he's no longer a baby, he's a little man...and im missing out on so much by being all the way out here in korea.

other than cali i'd love to just take a road trip to random cities across the country. like small towns. and shop at little vintage stores. i'd want to visit states like texas, mississippi, alabama. take a bunch of pictures.

london seems to have a lot of electric energy right now. stockholm would be cool too.

this girl, kenza, whom i met ages ago through a circle of acquaintances (whom i no longer associate myself with) is a model and swedish mtv vj just contacted me. now our mutual "friends" were and still are shady ppl. but i remember kenza to be a bright, sweet girl and i congratulated her on her budding success. so anyway she emailed me a few days ago and invited me out there. im almost tempted to just book a flight and go.

my dad and grandfather would flip. yeah right.

i invited kenza to seoul but warned her that there wasnt much to see here. she suggested we could take in sights for 2-3 days then take a detour to the maldives which is just a few hours away by flight. i'd been meaning to plan a trip there anyway but had kind of put on the back burner for some time. so we'll see. im a little hesitant and rather picky with travel companions, the only person exempt is my sister.

i just wish i could pick up and go!

im done with seoul for now. and the weather is beginning to become a drag. ick. im becoming a drag. double ick.

i miss my bathroom in my old LA studio...the previous tenant was an artist and had painted even the ceilings so it was gorgeous when i looked up while taking baths mid-afternoon (which used to be my post-bellini brunch sunday ritual)

isn't the antique mirror gorge too? and nooo i did not get it at some pretentious malibu boutique, i got it at target (yup thats right! i used to shop there all the time)

my abs circa '06...i was training for a marathon and doing like 500 varying crunches on a balance ball

i probably have the most random blog...

2009-07-08T15:19:00.001-07:00

moving day

2009-06-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

im so excited to move tomorrow!!! ill be living in the heart of downtown and my apartment is huge. ill probably have a roomate in july but for this month ill be enjoying a roomy apartment all to myself. the biggest thing is i can go out now and stay out late without having to worry about the subway cut off time which is 12 am. now i can just take a quick cab ride home. right now i live about half an hour away from where all my friends hang out. the only thing im sort of dreading is having to reorganize everything. packing stuff up is the easy part its the unpacking that i hate and it takes forever! but i should just concentrate on the positive. ahhh! im just so giddy and stoked that this day has finally come. i feel so lucky!

it starts with one and they just come running

2009-06-11T07:46:00.000-07:00

what is with men? i have a major drought for like a month and then all of a sudden its like one sniffs one coming near me and they all come hunting after me. what is up with that? im always lonely or juggling like 3 guys at once. and really this time its not by choice. im not inviting drama into my life. so all the same guys are back. kevin, pharmeceutical junior executive, who i thought i would never hear from again wants to "catch up." luke, the sacharrine sweet doctor, who i thought was just too straight laced for my wild ways, wants to hang out. maybe he's willing to dip a toe into the dark side. haha but i dont think/want to sway him in the wrong way. david the entrepreneur who is investing in wholesale retail in thailand. and then there's "W" the newbie an invesment banker at meryll lynch. and these are all very elligible nice bachelors. so i should and am a little enticed but why is it always like this for me? DRAMA, smooth sailing is a term that will never pertain to my life. ill just make the best of this situation and take everything in stride one day at a time. i guess this is better than being bored. i SUPPOSE. i guess we'll just have to wait and find out. cant wait to move this saturday. =)

on a separate topic i am so far from bikini ready its ridiculous. my diet starts tomorrow. i.e. cigarettes and one meal. i know im terrible but i fucking hate exercising and im just too lazy. i dont have a ton of weight to lose just like 10 lbs. i already lost about 5 over the past month. ugh maybe ill just skip the water parks. those places are invested with contaminated water anyway.

Lazy

2009-05-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

i haven't been doing much of anything lately. my life is pretty lackluster at the moment. but it's nice sort of. no drama, but also no FUN. i mean i don't need drama to have fun but i want some sort of adventure or challenge. hopefully this weekend i'll get some much needed partying done. ugh i don't want to get stuck in a rut. other than that the good news is im moving in about 2 weeks to a bigger place in the heart of seoul. at the moment i live sort of far in the suburbs. it'll be a nice change of pace. i cant wait.

Red Lip Stick Gold Disco Nails

2009-05-07T08:13:00.000-07:00

ok the red lips im trying out. very sexy. i have done a bare nude or slightly pinkish nude lip for ages. im just not a red girl. but today i strolled into a department store and gave it a shot. and i kind of cant get it out of my mind.

my nail color reminds me of studio 54. i have it on my toes as well i can stop wiggling them.

oh and i think im dating someone sort of. im incredibly attracted to him but will keep things completely platonic for at least a month or else it will all go to shit just like everything else. thank god i flushed all the other losers/pyschos/stalkers out of my life. except one. he's actually become a good friend.

a mixture of my street fashion and <3's photography

2009-04-26T07:25:00.001-07:00

these were taken by <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JiynJt8KaCg/SfVYdvOsxsI/AAAAAAAAAJA/yRYtbnK3z-A/s1600-h/GetAttachment.aspx.jpg">

possibly my favorite portraits ever taken...and these were on a 3 mega pixel cameraphone!

im not bitter. actually i take that back. i am.
why is it that i have never EVER had one single relationship that consisted of mutual respect and love? i admit i made mistakes but so did he. i told "K" i stopped seeing everyone else and that he was the only one i had allowed in my bed. in fact i hadnt been with anyone for about 5 months before him. which was "E" the super insecure point guard (i have black listed pro-athletes for life). i have know idea how many women he was with, and frankly i dont care. i was willing to work things out.

ok fine. its mostly my fault. basically the deal breaker was...i told him, "do you know how lucky you are to be with me? how many people would love to be you?"

i dont know what drove me to say something so dispicable. but i meant a little bit of it. but i also want to add that i feel that i would be lucky if he gave me another chance. but we havent spoken for almost a week now. i guess we'll have to see.

ho hum. i kind of wander from being a little sad to just feeling blah about it. nothing a valium cant cure.

my campus is ancient and gorgeous

what's been occupying my time...

2009-04-25T18:45:00.000-07:00

my baby alfie

sso-mee (cotton in korean)

my baby right before i left him at the vet for his de-barking and neutering surgeries...you can just see it in his stance and expression as if he's pleading, "don't leave me mommy!!"

by far the best pic of alfie...but i unfortunately came out like a beast so i artistically erased myself out

my pal mark and i

self portraits (taken post 6 gin and tonics)

me beating up my friend terri...lol my facial expressions

me doing some odd dance move...obviously inebriated (look at my eyes)

me, my nephew, and my cousin at my grandfather's scholarship benefit gala

terri and i...this girl and i have known each other for about 8 years

Wicked Craziness

2009-04-13T06:26:00.001-07:00

ive decided on my next tattoo. "god forgive me" in latin and "mi vida loca" which is "my crazy life in spanish" there was a movie by the same name in the 90's it was about latino gangs and although i have fortunately never experienced that section of LA my roots are in LA and that phrase definitely pertains to my life. ive also wanted "virtue" in latin on my lower torso for awhile and also a panther below the greek phrase that i have that starts at the nape of my neck and goes down to the middle of my back. it says "give me a place to stand and i will move the earth" its a quote by a greek mathematician/philosopher. it sort of took my breath away when i read the quote so i immediately tattooed it onto myself. all my tattoos so far, are very small. the panther will be perpendicular and about a foot long. i cant wait.

i need to post my street fashion pics. and i need to find a photographer to photograph me as well. i dont think it'll be too difficult to find one on campus but i want someone really good and that i can vibe with.

im juggling three guys right now. actually four. luke (sweet virginal doctor/future opthamologist), jonathan (psycho and is a little too generous; he bought me a $3000 prada purse just because; works in finance), kevin (goofy but suspicious sales executive for pfizer), and finally david (bangkok import/export, father is a plastic surgeon pioneer in korea). its fun but exhausting. im sleeping with one of them. not telling who...and lets just say its amazing...AMAZING. never have i ever been with anyone so attentive, confident, and *ahem well-endowed. perfect combination. he's away on a business trip and i am literally dying, aching to be with him. but i suppose distance and time makes the heart or rather loins (in my case) fonder. i cant wait to get my hands on him saturday.

No Joke

2009-04-13T06:26:00.000-07:00

This weekend was drama x10.

I'm talking assault, attorneys, the U.S. Embassy getting involved.

I'm not in any trouble but I am just beyond tired. But I met 2 awesome guys. Totally cool. Not really physically my type but we can always fix that.

So many pictures that need to be posted because this is actually supposed to be a fashion blog not a personal venting blog. But I guess I'll be a pioneer and fuse the two together. I'll most likely have more time throughout the week to post pics and give details.

My life couldn't even be conjured up by a nobel-prize winning fiction novelist.

Diva Bitch Behavior

2009-04-04T18:16:00.000-07:00

Last night was fucking DRAMA.

First off I have feelings for Joon. Period. Now I know for a fact that he's the one that I would like to start dating slowly. But here's the thing, I know he had feelings for me before as well but a lot of things happened last night.

So it was a mutual friend Sean's birthday and we were all at a bar and no one wanted to go clubbing except me and Joon. So we were like "Fuck it. Let's roll!" So the two of us took off.

On the way there I asked Joon why he hooked me up with his co-worker for a one night stand. And he told me it's because I had texted "I need to have sex NOW." Which was absolutely true. But this dense motherfucker didn't get it. I meant I wanted to get with him. Gosh why are guys so dumb?

Anyway so I told him "I didn't even ask you to hook me up with anyone for a one night stand so why'd you do it?" And he told me "It seemed like I was asking indirectly so that's why he did it."

The sex was great, I don't even remember this kid's name and I don't two shits about him. And I totally fucking regret it. Because now when Joon sees him he's gonna have the visual that I slept with him. And I know how disgusting that is. Because if the situation was reversed I would be fucking repulsed.

So I told him "When I told you I needed to have sex, that's not what I meant." And he asked me "Then what did you mean?" And I wanted to scream "DUH! I wanted sleep with you, you idiot!"

Joon's not that stupid, and I think he knew where I was getting at. The conversation stopped there. We walked the rest of the way to the club in complete silence. It was awkward but it was like not a terrible awkwardness. Sorta like a "Ohh, hmmm" awkwardness.

At this time I was almost sober because I had only two gin and tonics (which is the only thing I drink) but I know Joon was pretty buzzed but I'm pretty sure his brain was still functioning properly and he knew what I was getting at.

So we got to the club and I encouraged him to go pursue girls and have a good time and if I needed him I'd call him since we both had our cell phones on us. But he insisted to stay with me which was very thoughtful of him.

So the night progressed and I had another gin and tonic (but it was huge) and a fucking disgusting shot of Jose Cuervo. Ugh. I think that's what fucked me up. Now mind you I am pretty small and I'm on a diet right now. Ok I'll admit I pretty much fasted all day i.e. did not have ANY food and the last meal I had was a light dinner Friday night. So I had basically not eaten for over 24 hours. It's because I want to lose 15 lbs. but I won't get into that right now.

Needless to say I got wasted really fast and was having so much fun. And I get pretty brazen when I'm drunk so I ditched the guys (a couple of Joon's friends were there as well) and went up on the DJ stage and danced.

So 30 minutes later I come back and Joon is totally flirting with this girt in a white shirt. On a scale from 1 to 10 she was a 7. Of course I was jealous but seriously she was no competition for me not even close. But I did my part as a wing-man like I always do for all my homies and I talked to her and told her what a great guy Joon is. I know this stepped up his game 10 fold.

I don't even know why I did it. So they continued to talk and I stood at a table nearby and watched Joon hit it off with her. And something in me just broke. I couldn't take it. So I went to the bathroom and I cried by myself. I know...what a fucking pussy. I am so much stronger than that but I don't know what got into me. The other girls in the bathroom were bringing me tissues and telling me not to cry it was actually very sweet. They were telling me how gorgeous I was and that I could walk out, and honestly that shit was true.

So I wiped my tears, adjusted my clothes, and got back out there. Now Joon was dancing with the girl in the white top in a really risque way and that's when I just got fucking pissed. I was mad dogging them with a death stare but no one noticed. I sort of wish someone did. Or maybe not, oh I don't fucking know.

So I went back to the stage to find a male model-type to make out with in front of Joon.

****TO BE CONTINUED...GOTTA RUN ERRANDS****

Good God

2009-04-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

im not even fucking coherent half the time im writing this shit.

ok honestly im not proud of my behavior. do i have any regrets. HELL NO. cuz that shit was exactly what i wanted and needed. i actually want more but i know its just a better idea to refrain because feelings will get involoved.

first off. i dont want a boyfriend.

that is what ive decided.

i dont want to lean on anyone. i dont need anyone. the strongest person i know is myself. and thats it end of story.

everyone else is just a friend and im not going to think so fucking complicatedly like most girls do.

if shit happens it happens. then it'll happened. if a guy really loves me for who i am then he'll tell me. if he needs hints and doesnt have to balls to come straight out and tell me, he doesnt deserve a woman like me.

so ill leave it at that.

i dont think ive been this satisfied and felt this wonderful about being alone in a really long time. i trulty its because god is with me. when i really needed him he is there. im not super religious but i do believe in god and i know he's always with me.

*on a side note: i got THE most amazing 5 inch stilleto heels that have this crazy cut out design that im just going to wear the shit out of. i mean really how many people do you know that wear yellow shoes? but these are HOT. they added and extra platform in the front and and 2 cm in back stilleto so ill be like 5'8" when i wear them woooooo hoooooo!!!! (im actually only 5'2") and i got these amazing sheer summer dresses that are perfect for pairing with denim booty shorts and chunky belts. and those can be accessoricised with earrings and/or bracelets

i know im kind of lame but i couldnt really dress that wild at work. cuz i was an english teacher so dressed a little more conservatively and hid my tattoos the best i could but now IT ON. everyday is gonna be like a fashion show for me. i <3 getting in the morning soooo much. people are like why do you care so much about what you look like? and my answer is "why do you like to look like shit?" hahaa

Tuesday Night...Totally Unexpected

2009-03-31T17:40:00.000-07:00

i had a one night stand. or was supposed to be one at least but the dude is still sleeping in my bed and half of me is pretty glad he's still here, but the other half is like ummmm "why the hell did you call in sick to work?"

he wants to to spend the day together. but i have a pretty busy day today. i have to go to school at 1 p.m. and its its already 10 a.m. i have errands to run: get my shoes fixed, put my deposit down for brand spanking new hot sexy shoes that im having special ordered. plus i gotta get gussied up before i go to the orientation. which will take another hour and a half.

what the hell am i doing bloggin? well pretty much because my sister is thousands of miles away and plus she wouldnt be too happy about the one night stand thing. well techinically he's not a one night stand, he's my friends co-worker.

to be specific joon's co-worker. i knew cue kanye wests' song "heartless" but hey i told joon i needed joon i needed to get laid and its been 3 months and thats just too fucking long for me and so HE's the one who offered to hook me up with his co-worker. so thats his bad not mine. but fucking someone has dwindled my feelings for joon.

if joon was a real man he never would have introduced us. and i want a real man not a pussy.

so as much as a liked joon before i beginning to think it just wasn't meant to be.

fuck i dont even remember this kid's name (who i had a one stand with) how fucking terrible am i?

but i really dont reel like a slut at all. i wanted something i got it. and let me tell you the sex was off the charts he twisted my legs in ways i didnt think was possible. it was great to say the least. the only thing was when we first started out he was too aggressive so i taught him to slow down. like kiss softly, just graze each others lips. and breathe in and out together and brings a natural sexual chemisty. anybody can fuck.

monkeys and donkey's fuck for fuck's sake, we are human beings. you dont have to be in love to make good love but being patient, taking your time being gentle and occassional gentle biting goes a looooong way. =) there are times for rough aggressive sex but it definitely should not always be like. thats how disposable groupies get fucked by rock stars. i sorta feel sorry for girls like that they'll never have the capacity to know how to really have mutual respect and love with a man

hahha here i am talking about mutual respect and love after a one night stand. but they the guy is still here and i think he might like me. no joke. i wont go into details but when we were getting intimate he told me he's never been with anyone like me. and he told me he's been with over 40 girls. and i was like "you were like WHAM BAM with all these chicks?" and he was like "yeah, they like it." i was like its gonna take a LOT more than that shit to satisfy me.

alright ill end this post here i gotta get go spiffy.

i think im addicted to this god forsaken blog. i guess its because i can literally vent anything and everything and even if someone i know personally finds out about this blog and secrety reads it i guess i would initially care. but i mean im pretty much an open book. and thats pretty stalkerish to keep tabs on someone's life especially if you know them personally.

Assholes

2009-03-30T21:45:00.000-07:00

i went clubbing yesterday with my friend and i realize im not going to meet the nicest people there but literally there were fucking guys pawing me and literally begging me not to leave them. i was like, "man, have some dignity." "there are a million other girls at the club i am NOT the only one." and then i was like "peace out"

if you go to korean clubs girls basically get in for free and they go "booking" where waiters will grab you by the hand and take you to a room full of guys and introduce you to them. and sometimes the guy will like you and offer you a drink of act like a dick and not even introduce themselves.

well my friend terri and i had a couple problems. there was one room where one of the guys blocked the door and wouldnt let us leave and i was like "oh heeeeeeeeeeeellll no" im not ghetto but i feel my safety is compromised i will throw blows for sure. but thankfully it didnt come to that we go outta there and my friend terri and i complained to the other waiters and apologized profusely. so we were like "alright lets not let it ruin our night." so danced to lady gaga and got over it. haha

honestly this club is about 10 times nicer than any korean club in LA and the crowd is much classier. i would definitely go back. and the music was pretty good too considering it was korea.
i wish i had taken pictures but i was too fucked up. i had about 8 shots last night.

i got this really cute guys number. im not gonna like go on a date with him or anything but we're gonna be like dong seng, oppa friends. plus his house is right next to my university yonsei. so it'll be really convenient for me to meet up with him for dinner and lunch. his english was really good cuz i think he said he studied in new york or chicago so its easy communicating with him.

ok well i gotta run bajillion errands but that was my monday night. pretty hectic and crazy but it was so much fun. i love meeting new people. its like my favorite thing to do. i am so out of my anti-social phase now, im so much happier this way branching out. =)

2009-03-29T07:22:00.001-07:00

i had a gin and tonic fueled photo session with my dong sengs...
good times. except im the only one who likes gin. everyone else drank wine. haha. i love letting loose at home no weirdo guys to bother us...

i kinda hinted to joon that i wanted him to join us. but he said he was too tired. needless to say i was disappointed. god, cant he take a hint? i swear guys are so dense. or maybe he just thinks im ugly. well i know that for a fact isnt true. because he told me i have the most big beautiful eyes that could seduce any man.

my heart melted when he said that. even better he said he loves my laugh which is an extremely loud honking chipmunk cackle. when i complained that my laugh wasnt sexy like angeinla jolie's beautiful sensual laugh, he said angelina would probaby want my laugh if she met me. (what a total liar but it was sweet nonetheless)

i mean really these kind of compliments dont come from a "friend" do they?

and theyre not just cheesy lines it seems genuine. or am i just a fucking sucker?

gosh i hate boys. i just wish things were a little more black and white.

Conflicted

2009-03-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

i realize the last thing i should be concerned about right now is my love life but i suppose its whats keeping me distracted from the devastation of my father's health.

i adore luke. seriously honesty sincerely. he is everything a woman could ask for. but my friend "J" im just going to use his real name because this whole anonymous thing is sort of ridiculous anyway. and no one reads my blog anyway.

"J" stands for joon. he doesnt have an english name its his korean name. its funny because i normally never date korean guys. i usually date caucasian guys. to be honest i dont really find many korean or asian guys very attractive and im just being blunt. maybe its fucked up but thats just my personal preference. but anyway im getting sidetracked.

joon and luke are both korean. in fact so is jonathan. but of course im dating korean guys im in korea for god's sake.

so jonathan is so out of the picture, although he calls and texts non-stop. i just ignore him. we are over. O-V-E-R. i dont want anything to do with him. perhaps it is cold of me to just cut him out. and i know some people can be friends with ex's but thats just not my style. once someone is out of my life, theyre out. there are just too many great people out there to meet to linger with ones that arent up to par. i guess im harsh but hey life's tough and you gotta suck it up and move on.

so...getting back to luke and joon.

luke is my boyfriend. it is official. but we arent intimate. he is very religious. i am too but not nearly as much as he is. i highly doubt he believes in pre-marital sex. but then again im not 100% sure. i have no idea if he is a virgin but i wouldnt be surprised if he was. he is a very attractive yet slighty geeky guy, so it really is a mystery to me whether he's had sex or not. i am not a virgin. im not sure if that would bother him, but i doubt it would. i havent had a lot of partners but i have been with people. one thing i know is that in order for our relationship to get serious and last long we need to abstain from sex for a long period of time. and i dont know if i have the discipline for that.

moving on to joon. i have known joon for about a year now. and when i first met him he was in a serious and loving relationship. and i totally respected that. but at the same time when i first laid eyes on him i thought he was adorable and if he was single i would have flirted with him. but joon has broken up with his ex-girlfriend for some time now and claims to not have feelings for her any longer. but im not too sure about that. because that was his first love. i remember my first love and although i would NEVER consider getting back with him you never forget your first love.

ok ill finally get to the fucking point. as much as i appreciate him as a homie, i am sexually attracted to joon. but i really like my boyfriend luke. luke is my rock. but i need to have sex. but i cant have sex with my boyfriend because we're religious and i dont want to compromise our relationship because thats more important than fucking.

i really like joon as my friend. and as more than a friend as well. i find joon incredibly attractive. i am a bit boy crazy and i admit that. i wish i was the "good girl" type but that just isnt me. although im not a "good girl" im not a one-night stand girl either. i need a connection. and trust and respect. and intimacy to enjoy sex. so what the hell do i do? i dont want my friendship with joon to change. and i dont even know for certain if joon even wants to sleep with me.

i need to get my physical frustrations and emotions out because i just have so much on my mind. and i know the sex would be mind-blowing. basically i NEED to have sex and i need to NOW. but i just dont have anyone to have it with. i care too much about joon as a friend and luke as a long-term serious boyfriend. so what do i do? someone rescue me PLEASE...

2009-03-26T00:18:00.000-07:00

i broke things off with jonathan. i was struck with an incredible blow yesterday. i just can not be with someone like him. he lacks everything i need. and the desire to be with him is just obsolete now. i didnt give him an explanation perhaps that was unfair but i feel as if i have found clarity.

my father has had colon cancer for over a year now and has undergone treatment and we were hopeful but it has spread to his liver and possibly his lungs. luke is everything i want and so much more. he has been a rock for me. he knows an associate of my fathers physician and is doing everything in his power to help me. words cant describe how grateful i am to have luke in my life right now. he is literally my knight in shining armor.

emotionally luke is comforting me. and i never thought a man was capable of doing this for me. he is so attentive and whenever he gets a break from seeing a patient he has been calling and asking me how i am.

god works in mysterious ways. although i am undergoing through a traumatizing experience theres just an outpouring of support from my friends as well. and these arent even old friends. people are just so generous. and i feel so fortunate. i feel so undeserving and thankful.

31 Flavors

2009-03-25T04:41:00.001-07:00

and now theres a 3rd. im gonna call him "J" for anonymous purposes. ive known him for quite sometime but never romantically. but last night met up for drinks and got a little flirty. it was nice to be in the arms of a different guy than jonathan as wrong as it was.

none of my friends really know i have a boyfriend because im afraid to introduce jonathan to them because i know he will behave like a dick and berate them because thats just how he is. i know him too fucking well. i know you ask why the hell im with him, but you cant help you like. you just do.

so i think sparks are flying between me and "J" cuz my friend that i was with could even sense it. im meeting "J" on saturday night at a club called eden at the ritz carlton in seoul where supposedly the hottest guys are there so im going to try to make him insanely jealous and at the end of the night let him know that the only one i really want is him. im a walking mind fuck.=)

and as for luke we are meeting next friday for dinner. he set up the whole thing and im really excited because i know we'll have amazing conversation and just vibe amazingly. but he's just so damn squeaky clean. i bet he doesn't even curse. i wonder if he knew how much of a potty mouth and evil master mind i was if he would even look twice at me? but then again opposites do attract right? who knows. *sigh i guess time will tell

went out to boon dang for some cocktails with some friends and had a blast. on another note: does anyone else like gin and tonics or is just me? am i like an old white lady? because none of my friends seem to like it except for me? thats my drink! its not too sweet and i love the buzz i get off of gin and the taste of it with the tonic, but only if its top shelf particularly tanqueray.

*click to enlarge

terri and i

the boys: joon and sean

2009-03-23T16:24:00.000-07:00

im still as conflicted as ever. luke and jonathan are both great. jonathan already considers me his girlfriend and luke and i have a bit of a connection that stretches back for pretty long. gosh its seriously just too hard. my friends and dad are just telling me remain respectful to jonathan and just consider luke a friend. but theres no denying it, we have a connection and theres a part of me that just doesnt want to tell him that i have a boyfriend. even that word sounds so foreign to me. maybe its because i havent had one in such a long time. im so used to guys being disposable to ever consider them an actual boyfriend but both of these guys are really special. im gonna do a pro-con list for both of them.

lets start with jonathan since i know him a bit better.

jonathan is 31 (con) a little old for me. im 23.
jonathan dresses impeccably and is into fashion. (pro)
jonathan got his MBA at george washington univ (pro)
english is nearly perfect (pro)
dark sense of humor (pro)
borderline chauvinistic (con)
cocky and knows he's hot shit (con)
drives insanely expensive car (con)
has good relationship with family (pro)
doesn't mind that i like to party occassionally (pro)
is rude to staff when we go to a restaurant (con)

now lets move onto luke.

luke is 28 (pro)
is attractive in a modest quiet way (pro)
is a good christian (pro)
got his medical license at 27 (pro)
sweet, perhaps too much so (????)
wants to become a opthalmic surgeon (pro)
has good relationship with family (pro)
i dont think he would understan my indulgent side i.e. shopping etc (con)
not sure how he would feel about my occassional partying (con)

this list sort of helps but im still not closer to an answer

heres a pic of the chaos that is my loft. i have absolutely no walk in closets. so my house is virually a storage/living space. but im not complaining i love my house!

Weekend Outline/ Conflicted Feelings

2009-03-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

had one of the best weekends in a long time. i know i promised to restrain from drinking but i am guilty as charged and im actaully not sorry just because i had so much fun! i had dinner with my cousin then went to a bar and had a gin and tonic and then went to a hip hop club where i proceeded to get ridiculously drunk.

i also got my hair done and it has really choppy sexy layers ands a lighter shade of brown. i love it so much and it only cost $60!! ive been shopping up a storm in myung dong, its so fun there. but i honestly like shopping alone cuz if i go with someone theyre just a deterrent and i dont need anyone's opinion and i dont want to give my opinion to anyone else. because i have very discerning tastes. i love the rejuvenation that has been infused into my wardrobe. as i get older ive realized what looks good on my body and flatters my best features. i just wish i could shop all the time everday. i really should pursure styling. but where do i even begin? i guess just being a good walking model myself is a good start.

there was this one girl that was dancing on the pole and then she had taken her top off and was just dancing in her bra and jeans. people were making fun of her. it was sad so i went up there and i danced with her a bit and politely asked her where her shirt was. she put it back on and im sure i disappointed some people but i can't just stand by and let people lose their integrity like that. i just hope that if i did something crazy like that someone would help me out. we gotta look out for each other ya know? even if we are strangers.

i went to a french restaurant a few days ago with this guy Jonathan and the frommage didn't agree with me and my stomach hasn't been the same since i think i lost a good 8 lbs. which i guess is pretty cool. but it sucks cuz its like ill try to eat a banana and i cant even force myself to finish it. that is seriously all i had to eat today. 3/4 of a banana and a cup of coffee.

the story behind jonathan is that he is one of my dong seng's (younger friend's) cousin and theres this thing in korea called so-ke-ting, which is basically a blind date. so jonathan and i hit it off immediatly his english isnt perfect but very good and we communicated very easily. i found him incredibly attractive and i really liked the fact that he was so ambitious at such a young age. he's in finance, some kind of executive. i dont know the specifics but he's 27 and very very successful. but it doesnt seem like its given him a big head. he had impeccable manners making sure that i never even saw the bill so there would be no back and forth. and he was a complete gentleman. they dont make men like that these days. he was like a throw back. so anyway i know i promised i would develop a friendship first with a guy that i would consider going into a relationship with but jonathan was just so intoxicating and overpowering. there was no way for us to "just be friends" we were both obviously attracted to each other so our relationship went at warp speed. in a matter of a week we saw each other almost everyday. one day we were browsing shin se gae (sak fifth ave in korea) and went into the prada store and i groped the tote that ive been drooling over for a month.

well cut two days later jonathan meets me at our usual cafe carrying a white shopping bag. it made me really curious? like hmm? what could it be? im really particular with the things i wear and i dont like other people shopping for me. and low behold it was a prada shopping bag. i savagely the opened duster bag and let out a wild squeal. my mouth was ajar and i didnt know what to say. well thats exactly what i told jonathan. i told him i cant accept such an extravagant gift. this is a $3000 purse. he told me the look on my face was worth $100,000,000. i hugged him than hugged my purse. i couldnt believe the purse that i had dreams about was in my clutches now.

i havent been to church in months. i have been lazy and anti-social so i finally mustered up the energy to go today and the service was great and it was so nice to see familiar places. people at church so genuinely care its just a good vibe. im definitely going back next week. and also theres one more thing. i have a friend whom i met through friends at church. his name is luke. we had texted each other here and there but never made definite plans outside churh to hang out. he suggested that we meet. and i was thrilled! luke is the sweetest, genuine, modest, and not to mention a doctor. he has his medical license in korea but he wants to get one in america as well. he wants to become a specialst, an opthamology surgeon. kewwwwl something i have absolutely no interest in but hey opposites attract right? so i cant wait to have lunch/dinner with him this week. i really have a good feeling about luke too. but what about jonathan? he's like a puppy around me and its not that i dont have feelings for him i do. but i dont want to juggle guys they are both great and it would be unfair. i guess i have some tough choices to make. i suppose i could just keep luke as a friend. not like a dating thing.

i really need feedback so if anyone is reading this HELP!!!

2009-03-20T10:22:00.000-07:00

2009-03-12T07:08:00.001-07:00

going shopping tomorrow since my schedule is wide open wheeeee!

some inspiration for tomorrow's excursion:

a woman outside the hermes show in paris

fashion editor dasha zhukova

ive been working, shopping, reading, watching movies, getting massages and trying to soothe myself from the fact that i am not in paris for fashion week.

shopping wise i fared well this week. i scored a super sexy black trench coat with origami-like pockets that give it this great structure. it has a thin lining so its perfect for spring/fall. also custom-made grey open toe, cut-out stilletos with a gold disco-ball material heel. the body of the shoe wraps around the foot and zips in the back. again unbelievably sexy. i should post pics. truly amazing finds. why am i not a freelance stylist/personal shopper?? rachel zoe is so 2005 *yawn. fashion is going in a different direction clean lines, stringent savile row level tailoring for women. i love looking at men's magazines for inspiration, particularly japanese ones. simplicity and individualism. 90's helmut lang and jil sander.

currently im reading 3 books: david sedaris' latest "when you are engulfed in flames" malcolm gladwell's "outliers" and "deluxe" by dana thomas. all three are must reads. "deluxe" in particular is a must read for fashion victims who fall prey to conglomerate luxury marketing. its tragic how someone who has a disposable income of only a few thousand dollars every month would purchase outlandish things such as shiny ugly reflective dior sunglasses or a neon flecked vuitton purse. personally i love beautiful things but they are just "things" i invest a substantial set amount every month and i never compromise shopping over investing my money properly. it is something my mother instilled in me at a very young age.

movie reviews: "eastern promises" with naomi watts and viggo mortenssen was pretty good a 7. it had potential but the ending was stupid. the russian bath house fight was pretty shocking to say the least. full frontal male nudity is a rarity in hollywood. props to viggo. "seven pounds" with will smith and rosario dawson was excellent. will smith does melancholy well. not a rosario fan but she was good in this movie. the movie is frustratingly confusing for the most part but it all ties together at the end. "battle in seattle" with a big cast, including michelle rodriguez who i do not like she over-broods and is a terrible actress. and whats up with charlize theron? she has aged a decade over night! not much to say about the movie but i did learn more about the WTO which i am ashamed to admit i didnt know much about till this movie.

i dont have any desire to really socialize at the moment. its strange how ive gotten more shy with age. or perhaps i just dont really feel the need to make new friends. i really love my tiny close knit circle. plus it doesnt really help that i dont drink any more. not even a glass of champagne or wine with dinner. having a few cocktails with people is so much breezier than dinner which is much more intimate.

strangely, the casual friends i have made in korea seem to consider me a close friend. two girls that i have gotten to know over a period of about 8 months confided extremely private things to me. it doesnt make me uncomfortable but i just find it odd that they can so easily disclose things. not that im a shady person. i am very discreet and i think i give insightful feedback and advice. i guess its a little shocking to me, because i personally would never share such private things. maybe its just the way i was brought up. topics such as family, medical issues, and money are things i rarely discuss.

yesterday my grandfather who financially helps me here and there demanded that i show him a record of my expenditures i.e. what the hell i was spending all my money on. i think that i spend moderately, albeit far from modest but i dont live a lavish lifestyle. its not like i have a black amex. i work and my family is able to help out and so they do. so why do i have to account for every nickel and dime i spend?

i swear my grandpa is like a frugal korean warren buffet! i had to plaster on a smile and be agreeable with my grandfather. then i asked my dad what the hell this was all about. my dad said this was how my grandfather has always been. all my uncles are always asking for substantial handouts and as the years have gone by my grandfather has become mistrustful. my dad said i needed to get over myself and that frankly he didnt trust me very much himself because im like a bohemian and too unpredictable. im enrolled in a University and will start class soon but my goal really isnt to get my degree and my dad is aware of this. i dont want to be tied down to an institution for four years! good god...my dad being korean and all thinks i should be either: a) in med school b) taking the California Bar Examination c) or working on my MBA. ugh

my dad said to just pony up whatever my grandfather demanded. so i did what any other sensible 23 year old in my situation would do...i threw a tantrum. the WORKS: tears, repeating the same questions, stating how my life is unfair. i promptly stormed out of my grandfather's house where this all went down. i was literally ready to pack my belongings and book a flight to the maldives or anywhere i could forget about my situation.

but today i woke up and realized how unsensible i was being. i can be such a hothead sometimes. at least this incident didnt involve any breaking of furniture or computer moniters. i once flung a three hole puncher across the room that left a hefty dent in the wall. thank god it didnt hit anyone in the head it probaby would have fractured someones skull. but ive managed to curb most of that rage. i need to talk to my dad and tell him i was wrong and that im a functional adult that doesnt normally behave like a petulant toddler. but its so hard to pick up the phone...

dream outfits:

'09 fall Hermes

if i had them in my clutches i would wear the aviation goggles and leather cap EVERYWHERE with everything

JPG is simply brilliant...i would go dancing in this jumpsuit

'09 fall Christian Lacroix...i'd wear this to the ballet

'09 fall Isabel Marant

isabel marant...i love the boots on both looks

Dream Wardrobe

2009-03-08T09:07:00.000-07:00

i would wear this to class and then lunch with my boss...

i would wear this to the grocery store to buy champagne, tofu, and mango juice...then to a trunk show and a late night gauguin exhibit
(balmain Fall '09)

this is what i would lounge around in my house writing meaningless prose if it wasn't so damn cold...i am so raiding my grandpa's vast hat collection...

Can You Be Friends With an Ex?

2009-02-22T23:28:00.000-08:00

for me the answer has become yes. strangely enough i used to vehemently side with the nay sayers but i retract from my former passionate stance because i have first-hand experience that it is possible. i am in a genuine friendship with "E" he and i just talk about our days now and shoot the shit like regular old friends. no ulterior motives. we didn't exactly end things on an affable note but i managed to make him realize his fuck up (because it really was his fault) and he acknowledged his mistake and i forgave him. and now we're buds. weird. but nice.

2009-02-22T22:28:00.001-08:00

yesterday i watched a documentary on che guevara and michael moore's "sicko" which was about the healthcare industry. it really wasnt as extreme as farenheight 911. it seems like he is one of the few people who really wants to help humanity and is doing it in a big way. letting us know, informing people and allowing them to form their own opinions. also i saw religulous which wasnt very convincing, however very entertaining. after watching the che guevara docu i wondered what he would have been able to accomplish today. when guevara was finally captured in the jungle it took the CIA hours for that information to be passed in the 1960's. how long would it have taken today? are there any revolutionaries out there? are we more free, or do we just think we are. the answer is yes and no.

2009-02-17T05:54:00.000-08:00

yikes i spend way too much time browsing fashion blogs. i need to manage my time a little better. but on the upside im saving about $200 on magazines since those blogs have the scans of all the best layouts in french vogue, vogue nippon, etc.

2009-02-10T22:24:00.000-08:00

i am craving chocolate like no other...its already wednesday.

things i need to do this weekend.

1) laundry
2) wash my comforter
3) clean my bathroom...since i no longer employ a cleaning lady i will do it myself because i have 2 hands and 10 fingers
4) watch the rest of mad men season 2 and the hills season 3 and 4...how lame am i for watching the hills? but its addictive!!

2009-01-28T22:10:00.001-08:00

the scab fell off and there isnt even remotely a scar its like it never happened. sometimes i surprise myself of how quickly i am able to detach myself from someone. should i pride myself on it, or worry? hmmm

i discovered a new tv show. mad men. i really enjoy watching it and its a nice way to escape to another era. visually its such a sexy show and not in the overt vulgar way but in a debonaire, masculine, and aloof manner. the weather is still freezing and i hate it but its not unbearable. not having to tutor till really late is doing wonders. yes im making far less money but i dont mind. its not like i have any expenses besides my electric bill and cell phone. of course there is the black leather prada purse i have been groping every time i pass the store...

2009-01-12T00:39:00.000-08:00

he calls me lazy. tells me to hurry up when im getting ready. never compliments me. says he has trouble with that. well i told him you better fix that fast. shit is unacceptable. i dont really want to be with him anymore. but its almost like i dont even have the energy to break it off. ill just let it eventually cease to exist like a scab it'll fall off one day and ill forget all about the pesky cut.

2009-01-07T21:28:00.000-08:00

no phone call for two days. not even a text. thank god im going out friday night with hee won and soo hee. im gonna get piss drunk and cry my eyeballs out. if he doesnt text or call tonight thats it. im done. im so grateful i only have one class to teach today and i can spend the rest of the day/evening wallowing in self pity. what a big big mistake this all was. *reminder: never date professional athletes

Am I settling?

2009-01-04T23:40:00.000-08:00

i think i actually like him. i just like being next to him and feeling his arm next to mine or draped over my leg while we're watching a movie. im really vague about my mom with him because frankly its just too early for me to open up about my family. even some of my close friends dont know, but he keeps asking. so that'll come later maybe, we shall see. im already in an extremely vulnerable position as it is. he's not conventionally good-looking. probably wouldnt have given him a second glance had it not been for abi's praises about him being a sweet guy. and he does seem nice. inconsistent and a little dense but i can fix that. i purposely didnt go to his basketball game yesterday and i loved how he called and was like "why didnt you come?" almost incredulously. like he totally expected me to. what am i his lap dog? i told him i got held up in seoul when in fact i was just lying in bed reading a novel. the thing that turns me on the most about him is his body. he has the most amazing abs. but his hip bones are hazardous!

Perfect Couple

2008-12-27T23:43:00.000-08:00

Supermodel Doutzen Kroes and DJ Ruckus. How gorgeous are they together? Theyre the same age, both travel all the time and aren't tied down to each other. It's the perfect coupling.

Lovley Zoe

2008-12-15T06:44:00.000-08:00

prospects

2008-12-06T10:21:00.000-08:00

so theres no denying it. i am totally juggling guys. when it rains, it pours. why cant men trickle into my life gradually? ugh. theres "L" the doctor, age difference 3 years. cute sweet almost too perfect for me. not an ounce of impish bad boy there. "E", a year younger, pro-basketball player, sweet but way too shy and awkward. its like i have to make all the moves for us to get to know each other better. but i see potential there. and then of course theres "C" whos just fun fun fun, and with an injury this season his partying ways need to be tamed down for atleast 2 months and i'd like to get to know him but we'll see. we both seem to not be able to find a moment alone together where we can just chill and talk. and then theres australian "A" who works at the embassy but is a wee bit on the short side. ill see him tomorrow or rather later today. ugh i need to stop writing on this thing but its my only outlet i have no one to turn to. is it cruel that im leaving ben all behind? all this behind his back? its not like we're married, we're having fun. im happy he's happy and we'll go our separate ways. fuck...karma is going to bite me in the ass HARD.

why tell me why

2008-12-06T09:53:00.001-08:00

that beatles song will always ring in my head till the day i die. im gonna smoke a cigarette and then go to bed. i have church in the morning. why cant my life just be fucking normal. i wish i could just be anonymous and have no consequences. just live.

2008-12-04T19:24:00.000-08:00

why is it so fucking cold in my goddam office. shit. i cant even think straight.

2008-12-04T04:03:00.000-08:00

Sienna is Pretty...I dont care how the press portrays her

2008-12-04T03:57:00.000-08:00

Secret Ambitions

2008-12-04T03:00:00.000-08:00

its going to take loads of work inspiration, time, patience, disappointment and heartache but this is the direction in which i am going head first. no one else knows. no one really needs to know i suppose. well perhaps maybe my shrink.

2008-12-04T02:32:00.000-08:00

2008-12-04T02:31:00.001-08:00

2008-12-04T02:20:00.001-08:00

2008-11-27T05:26:00.000-08:00

the beginning of everything

2008-11-27T04:30:00.000-08:00

i dont even know where to start. ive had this blog for a little while now and havent done a single thing to it. but i guess i should start now. im just going to start off by posting interesting/inspirational pictures.